Book 7: Where the Fandom Fun Is Almost At an End
by Jobey in Error
Summary: How DH went down. Much mockery enclosed. Chapter Fourteen: Harry Potter and the Camping Trip of Hell and Hormones. Mainly Hormones.
1. Another Ominous NonHarryPOV Opening

_A/N: I've been working on this parody of the entire series for years. I may (in fact, probably) have borrowed some other people's jokes, as this started for my own private amusement and I wasn't being too conscientious; let me know if I owe you some credit. Furthermore, this thing so imbued with fandom in-jokes that I really probably should have started posting long before everyone migrated in droves to Twilight, Avatar, and the Star Trek revival. But it's too funnot to share. We'll start with DH, the book for which I have most accomplished..._

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* * *

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**CHAPTER ONE: Yet Another Ominous Non-Harry-POV Opening**

* * *

**READERS**: Gaaaah! Snape! *swoon* Snape! Snape! We know you are like so _totally_ good! We're not fooled!

**SNAPE**: Cease your nattering. I am deep within the wheels and cogs and machinations of superspying. Your squealing will give me away to Yaxley.

**READERS**: Who the hell is Yaxley, and why should we care?

* * *

**NOISE**: *threatening!*

**YAXLEY**: Wah! *withdraws wand* Hyah!

**HARMLESS PEACOCK**: *emerges*

**ANIME SWEATDROP**: *oh, shut up, you animephobic pendants, it's utterly appropriate*

**SNAPE**: Note how unruffled and awesome I am.

* * *

**YAXLEY**: Lucius is a toff and a twat, and I am not at all jealous of his milky-white peacocks. Grrr!

**SNAPE**: ... Fortunately, I am in superspy!mode, and need say nothing.

* * *

**DRACO**: *unable to take his eyes from the figure hanging upside-down from the ceiling* Look at me practicing subtlety.

**SNAPE**: Poor twit.

**READERS**: ... Neither Draco nor Lucius appear to have been offed by Voldie.

**DRACO AND LUCIUS**: More's the pity.

* * *

**SNAPE**: After Potter is transported, he will be hidden at the home of one of the Order.

**VOLDEMORT**: Hmm. I wonder whose?

**DEATH EATERS**: *stumped silence*

**READERS**: *try not to snigger, the poor babies can't help the Dark-Arts-induced brain damage*

* * *

**NEW CHARACTER**: Named Pius Thicknesse.

**READERS**: What the hell kind of name is Pius _Thicknesse_?

**SNAPE**: An appropriate one. Silence! *eyeballs them*

**READERS**: *terrified and delighted to be Snape-eyeballed*

* * *

**VOLDEMORT**: It's not that I'm pathetic. _Only_ luck and _chance_ have thwarted my past... erm... half-dozen attempts to kill the underage wizard.

**DEATH EATERS**: Only luck and chance. Nothing face-threatening, of course. Seriously, only the Dark-Arts-induced brain damage allows us to keep straight faces.

* * *

**VOLDEMORT**: I need a wand. Let's see, which one of you do I want to symbolically castrate? Lucius, old friend! I'll score major points with the rabblerousers if I humiliate you.

**LUCIUS**: Whimper.

**NARCISSA**: Follow my lead, Lucius, and take it like a man! *ramrod*

**LUCIUS**: I get to reveal what my wand's made of. Great moment for my fangirls, if I still have any of those.

**SNAPE**: *aside* I've taken over your fandom, actually.

**ADMIRAL ZHAO (OF "AVATAR")**: Narcissa fangirls hopped fandoms to find her a new boyfriend, too. *flexes muscles*

**LUCIUS**: I wish I were back in Azkaban.

**VOLDEMORT**: I'll now engage in sinisterly threatening discourse with you, Malfoys, while casually stroking my huge-ass pet snake.

**LUCIUS**: See above comment.

**BELLATRIX**: Oh, _my Lord!_ It's so _hot_ when you pet that snake!

**MALFOYS**: *mutter* Traitor psycho she-monster.

* * *

**VOLDEMORT**: Oh, yeah, that reminds me. You lot all hear the one about the disowned Malfoy relative who just married Britain's Most Eligible Werewolf? No, not our filthy half-breed psycho for hire. _Their_ filthy half-breed psycho for hire.

**DEATH EATERS**: OMG hilarious!

**READERS**: OMG sweet!

**SNAPE**: *as DE's loll on the floor and fangirls squee* Once again, I am the only sane man in two universes.

* * *

**ROWLING**: See how I've corrected the moral ambiguity I was causing in young girl readers by demolishing Bellatrix as the "strong female" character? Fawn, Bella! Be swoony, breathless, and pathetic!

**BELLATRIX**: Curse you, omnipotent Muggle author! I mean... *blushes prettily and pants* _My Lord! _

**VOLDEMORT**: I think I rather prefer this version.

* * *

**VOLDEMORT**: *awakens Charity Burbage*

**READERS**: What kind of name is Charity Burbage?

**ROWLING**: Are you people EVER happy?

* * *

**CHARITY BURBAGE**: Severus! Severus, please! Show your true colors!

**SNAPE**: I think not. That'll teach you to make unwanted advances upon my consecrated person in all those reams of fanfic, you wench.

**VOLDEMORT**: I have grown weary of your cultural relativism, Burbage. _Avada Kedavra!_

**READERS**: *bored* Wow. He just killed the random unknown never-before-scene Muggle Studies professor. Lord Voldemort, we cower before your evil. *yawn*

**VOLDEMORT**: *insert your favorite evil laugh here* Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA!

**VOLDEMORT**: ... Petfood is so cheap when you're the Dark Lord.

* * *

_If you laughed, let me know. _


	2. The Most Boring Chapter Ever

_A/N: I like to give ficcy presents on my birthday. Here we go. Thanks to Possum & shyfoxling._

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO: The Most Boring Chapter Ever**

* * *

**MAIN ACTION OF THE BOOK**: *commences!*

**FIRST LINE**: Harry was bleeding.

**LONGTIME READERSHIP**: Surprise, surprise.

* * *

**HARRY**: "had to admit to himself... [h]e had never learned to repair wounds, and now he came to think of it - particularly in light of his immediate plans - this seemed a serious flaw in his magical education."

**THE ENTIRE FANDOM**: I KNOW, right?

**THE PARTICULARLY SMUG PARTS OF THE FANDUMB**: And don't even get us started on the lack of instruction in do-it-yourself plumbing!

**HARRY**: Will all of you hush? I'm going through my stuff so that we can have a boring previous-six-books-recap.

**FANDOM**: *reverent silence*

**HARRY**: ...And when I said boring, I _meant_ boring.

**FANDOM**: *quiet grumbling*

* * *

**THE SHATTERED MIRROR**: *gives us an excuse to talk about Siriusangst AND Harry's green eyes - ALL IN ONE BLOW*

* * *

**FANS**: Yeah, what's this chapter ABOUT, anyway?

**ROWLING**: MOURN, all readers, MOURN the magnificent Dumbledore.

**FAN #1**: Why? We'll be able to talk to a portrait of him, won't we?

**FAN #2**: Five unofficial "commemorative" Sickles that he comes back in this book.

**FAN #3**: I've a thousand things I want to get out of this last book, and we're going to waste an entire chapter on... this?

**ROWLING**: I am the queen of placing, wretched readership. Ask Stevie King.

* * *

**HARRY**: This chapter isn't boring enough yet. Time to read the newspaper! Oh, look, there's Professor Burbage, whom I probably should have found an excuse to mention to the readership before now.

**ARTICLE**: *is written by Elphias Doge*

**THE AVID READERS**: Ooh! Ooh! We met him in the kitchen in Book 5! We're _good_ fans, we know this stuff. *smug*

**THE CASUAL READERS WHO ARE JUST TUNING IN BECAUSE THIS IS **THE** BOOK OF THE YEAR**: Hrrumph.

* * *

**ELPHIAS DOGE (IN WRITING)**: I met Albus Dumbledore at the age of eleven, on our first day at Hogwarts. Our mutual attraction was undoubtedly due to the fact that we both felt ourselves to be outsiders.

**SLASHERS**: *have stopped processing anything after "our mutual attraction"*

**THE POOR, IGNORANT REMAINDER OF THE FANDOM**: Oh, come on, we know you have to slash every character and the more unlikely the better but could you not do it with _Dumbledore_?

**DOGE**: Hush, I know this article makes me seem like a stuffed shirt, but I'm feeding you large dollops of backstory in between.

**READERS**: Yeah... we'd be more interested in Dumbledore's backstory if he were still, what's the word, alive.

**FAN #2**: Ten fake Sickles! Don't forget!

* * *

**HARRY'S THOUGHTS**: Why, oh why, did I never ask my headmaster more personal questions?

**HARRY'S THOUGHTS**: ... oh, yeah, he blew me off every time I tried.

* * *

**BOOK**: The idea of a teenaged Dumbledore was simply odd, like trying to imagine a stupid Hermione or a friendly Blast-Ended Skrewt.

**MOVIES**: We can help with with one of those, so perhaps we can help with the other two.

* * *

**RITA SKEETER**: This chapter's boring. Here I come from the rescue!

**THE CHAPTER**: *does pick up a bit, even if Rita's as predictable as ever*

* * *

**SKEETER**: *I* wrote a nine-hundred-page book in FOUR WEEKS. Take THAT, Ms. I-Wrote-OotP-(Eventually) Rowling!

**ROWLING**: And the sad, bewildering thing is that I created you...

**PSYCHIATRISTS**: *on it*

* * *

**ELPHIAS**: Skeeter's book contains less fact than a Chocolate Frog card. *looks around eagerly* Huh? Huh? C'mon, where's the love?

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: _I_ thought it was funny... Dodgy.

**ELPHIAS**: Er, thank you?

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: Of course, I thought her nickname for you was pretty funny too.

* * *

**SKEETER**: I'm trying to destroy Dumbledore by suggesting that he has a dark and dodgy past - because _that_ never won anybody any fans before.

**SNAPE**: Fangirls, if you don't cease and desist, I shall replace your eyeballs with dung beetles.

**FANGIRLS**: *squee in anticipation of dung-beetle eyes*

* * *

**SKEETER**: Well, of course, _everyone_ knows what a disturbed adolescent Potter is.

**HARRY**: You LIE, bitch! *hunches over into a ball and stares moodily out the window*

**HEDWIG**: It's okay, sweetie. I hate this chapter too.


	3. In Which We Get Rid of Those Damned Durs

**CHAPTER THREE: In Which We Get Rid of Those Damned Dursleys For the Last Time**

* * *

**UNCLE VERNON**: BOY! I only have one more chance to act like a stereotypical Brit-lit abusive parental figure, and I AM going to make the most of it!

**HARRY**: Thank God, interaction with other characters. *trots down the stairs*

* * *

**UNCLE VERNON**: I can't trust you. I can't trust anything anyone is saying.

**HARRY**: You're so predictable that my irritation is borderline affectionate, damn it all.

**UNCLE VERNON**: This is all an elaborate plot to take my prime real estate from me!

**MAD-EYE MOODY**: *voice-over* Maybe we should have this chap on staff as a consultant.

**HARRY**: NO.

* * *

**READERSHIP**: OMG WE MISSED THE PART WHERE KINGSLEY AND MR. WEASLEY CAME TO PRIVET DRIVE?

**UNCLE VERNON**: It was boring, nothing to see there, move along!

* * *

**UNCLE VERNON**: Now, if we're GOING to trust you filthy wizards, can't we trust the the filthy-wizard-_government_?

**HARRY**: Infiltrated, pal.

**UNCLE VERNON**: Or at least have that hardcore cop protect us?

**HARRY**: Kingsley's really got better things to do. Don't worry, he's has some nice middle-aged white bourgeoisie friends who have volunteered to "protect" you.

**HARRY**: (... I love the Order.)

* * *

**UNCLE VERNON**: *still freaking out, though you've got to admit he has some reason*

**HARRY**: Allow me to seize this as an excuse for a Wizarding War Update. Readers: more crashes, more explosions, more "natural" disasters, lots of Muggles dying. You know. All very vaguely bad. Just enough to remind you that my enemy is Evil.

**FRED, GEORGE, AND LEE**: *voice-over* Harry, you _suck_ at this "war news" thing.

**HARRY**: *grumbles* I'd like to see you do better. Now shut up, I've also got to sneak in an expository explanation of "Inferi."

* * *

**UNCLE VERNON**: *actually amuses Harry*

**HARRY**: *actually drops a logic bomb that makes Uncle Vernon shut up for half a minute*

**HARRY AND UNCLE VERNON**: *find themselves thinking the same thing, and know it*

**DUDLEY**: We're coming way to close to warmth and fuzziness in here. I'd better say something that will surprise them both into ending the argument.

* * *

Dedalus appears to be in the backseat. Honestly, can't Rowling give this man any dignity whatsoever?

Of course, it could be worse for him. He could be Rubeus Hagrid...

Speaking of whom! It was about time Hagrid got some decent camera time. Stay tuned.

* * *

**DEDALUS**: We're the nice middle-aged white bourgeoisie wizards, here for your protection!

**HESTIA**: He forgot "morally indignant."

**UNCLE VERNON**: Ohmigod nice white middle-aged bourgeoisie morally indignant _and_ can't even drive we're doomed.

**HESTIA**: Oh yes, Harry… ominous change of plan, has nothing to do with Snape superspying. Stay tuned next chapter.

**HARRY**: Yeah, I can see that this one is doomed to be mildly boring as well.

* * *

**IMMINENT DEPARTURE FROM THE DURSLEYS**: *leaves Harry with one burning question*

**THE BURNING QUESTION**: What did you say to one another at the end of sixteen years' solid dislike?

**READERSHIP**: How 'bout this for size? "Good-bye."

**ROWLING**: I can do better than that.

**READERSHIP**: You better. You're a lot richer than us.

**ROWLING**: Okay. How about -

**DUDLEY**: "I don't think you're a waste of space."

**ADORING READERSHIP**: Brilliant!

**AUNT PETUNIA**: "Good-bye."

**ADORING READERSHIP**: *raises eyebrow*

**ROWLING**: It was a good backup plan.

* * *

_This is a short chapter, but the next two are quite long, since, you know, there's actual action going down. _


	4. In Which Hagrid Finally Gets Some Screen

**CHAPTER FOUR: In Which Hagrid Finally Gets Some Decent Camera Time, and An Awesome Death Happens Off-Screen**

* * *

**HARRY**: Oy, I should talk to Hedwig, remind people she's still around before her tragic animal-cruelty murder.

* * *

**HARRY**: So, let's remember all the good times at number four, shall we, Hedwig?

**HARRY**: The only not-quite-sarcastic good memories begin after fourteen years of living here.

**HARRY**: There's the cupboard! ... You'd think we'd make more of that.

* * *

**FLYING MOTORCYCLE DREAMS**: *recalled*

**FLYING MOTORCYCLE**: *rumbles its arrival*

* * *

**NOT-QUITE-FINAL REPETITION OF CHARACTERS' FIXED EPITHETS**: Certain adjectives are attached to characters' appearances in this series the way Athene is always grey-eyed in Homer.

**RON**: "**long** and **lanky**" - *yawn*

**HERMIONE**: "her **bushy** hair tied back in a long plait" - *blink* Hermione's gettin' her sport on. Lucky Ron.

**FRED AND GEROGE**: "**grinning** **identically**" - FOR THE MOMENT

**BILL**: "badly scarred and long-haired" - plot recap and *yawn*

**MR. WEASLEY**: "**kind-faced**, **balding**, his spectacles a little awry" - the askewness of the glasses was never seen until this book, when Rowling inserted it for some minor dead father angst. Bear this one in mind, folks.

**MAD-EYE**: "battle-worn, one-legged, his **bright blue magical eye whizzing in its socket**" - *yawn*

**TONKS**: "**short hair** was her favorite shade of **bright pink**" - *yawn*

**LUPIN**: "**greyer**, more **lined**" - *would be yawn-worthy except for the reasonable question, "Since the two months in which we've last seen him?"*

**FLEUR**: "slender and **beautiful**, with her **long silvery blonde hair**" - *yawn*

**KINGSLEY**: "**bald** and broad-shoudered" - *and otherwise stereotypical black cop*

**HAGRID**: "**wild hair and beard**, standing hunchbacked to avoid hitting his head on the ceiling" - *yawn*

**MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER**: "small, **dirty**, and **hangdog**, with his droopy beady **hound's eyes** and **matted hair**" - *would be yawn-worthy except for the reasonable question, "Why is no one trying to hex him?"*

* * *

**HARRY**: Kinglsey, I thought you were looking after the Muggle Prime Minister?

RON AND HERMIONE: Gee, thanks a lot for the nice words you threw _us_ first thing.

**KINGSLEY**: You are _so_ more important than the Muggle Prime Minister, Harry.

**READERSHIP**: Well, durr.

**RON AND HERMIONE**: *dual facepalm*

**HARRY**: Aw shucks.

* * *

**TONKS**: Harry, m'lad! Allow me to almost take your eye out with my rediscovered bounciness and shiny RING!

**HARRY**: Wait, you got _married_?

**MOODY**: Shut up, you should have read the prologue more carefully! Let's get down to the business of risking our necks, now.

* * *

**MOODY**: Ministry are being arseholes again.

**HARRY**: I'm bowled over in surprise.

**MOODY**: Trace, baby.

**HARRY**: *and I quote* I don't -

**MOODY**: The Trace, the Trace! How is it you don't know _anything_ about the Wizarding world after all these years you've been saving it?

* * *

**MOODY**: *uses the phrase "under-seventeens," because he's soon to be offed and deserves to use truly awesome phrases like this*

**TONKS**: Nope, sorry, American readers, that's just standard English back here where English was born, nothing whimsical or Tolkienesque about it.

**MOODY**: What's that?

**TONKS**: Nothing.

**MOODY**: *_both eyes_ narrow mismatchedly* Really?

**TONKS**: Well, it was a Muggle culture reference which you completely missed, because even though we don't know your blood status no one would peg you for a fantasy fiction fan. It was also presumably said because Miz Parody Lady feels I have a pitiful amount of camera time in this book, particularly for a soon-to-be-dead!character.

**TONKS**: ... and she'd be right.

* * *

**MOODY**: We could let you see Kingsley's or the famous Auntie Muriel's place, but you'll be going to Tonks's parents.

**FANFIC WRITERS**: Yay!

**EXCEPT FOR SMALL MINORITY**: Boo.

* * *

**RON'S FIRST LINE OF THE BOOK**: *is really awesome*

**FRED'S FIRST LINE OF THE BOOK**: *is really awesome*

**GEORGE'S FIRST LINE OF THE BOOK**: *not quite as awesome, but_ does_ use the word "scuppered"*

* * *

**HARRY**: My innocent heroic heart will not stand for such sacrifices on _other_ people's parts, I warn you!

**MOODY**: Everyone here's overage, ickle Potter - _unlike yourself_ - and they're all prepared to take the risk.

**MUNDUNGUS**: *foreshadows*

* * *

**MOODY**: Even You-Know-Who can't split himself into seven.

**HARRY**: *starts choking so hard that they are able to grab some hairs*

**ROWLING**: *looks very very very pleased with herself*

**READERS**: Yes, Miz Author Lady. Jolly good dramatic irony there. _Well done_.

* * *

**HAGRID**: *lifts Mundungus by the scruff of the neck*

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: *really wants a fan art of this moment*

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Fleur moved to stand between Fred and George rather than stay next to smelly Mundungus Fletcher.

**READERS**: Suggesting that Fleur-Weasley relations have indeed improved quite a lot.

**OTHER READERS**: Or just that Dung is _that_ smelly.

* * *

**MUNDUNGUS**: I'm a soldier, I'd sooner be a protector.

**EVERYONE**: You? A soldier? Of what?

**MUNDUNGUS**: Of luuuuuurve.

**MOODY**: Moving right along here.

* * *

**RON, HERMIONE, FRED, GEORGE, FLEUR, AND MUNDUNGUS**: *turn into six Harry Potters*

**SIX NEW HARRY POTTERS**: *start stripping. on-screen*

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: I've got nothing. All the pertinent jokes have already been made, really.

* * *

**PROTECTORS**: *are assigned*

**HERMIONE**: *gets Kingsley*

**RON**: *gets Tonks*

**HARRY**: *gets Hagrid*

**HERMIONE**: *is reassured*

**RON AND HARRY**: *are not*

* * *

**MAD-EYE**: Death Eaters must know by now how good you are on a broom, Potter - purely because Snape is now a full-time traitor. Never mind Draco Malfoy. Or the whole Slytherin team. Or the newspaper reports of you flying against the dragon The Year That I Did Not Teach At Hogwarts.

* * *

**HAGRID**: And, so, yeh and me, we'll take the bike. Sirius's bike, y'know—

**DEAD CHARACTER CHORAL LINE**: O the angst!—

**HAGRID**: This inn't the time fer angst! Look, Harry! Special trick buttons. Arthur's work.

**MR. WEASLEY**: Please be careful, Hagrid. I'm still not sure that was advisable and it's certainly only to be used in emergencies.

**HAGRID'S FINGERS**: *immediately start twitching*

* * *

**MAD-EYE**: All right, all aboard, everybody ready for the _possibly fatal_ mission?

**RON**: NO!

**MAD-EYE**: Dammit, I thought the awkward sexual tension was over, now that the new Harry Potters were clothed!

**RON**: I'm using my best friend's body to hug my former teacher's extremely young wife, here! It's not as easy as it looks!

**MAD-EYE**: Amateurs. *mutters* It'll almost be worth dying so I don't have to finish out the war with this lot.

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: So great was Harry's discomfort that he almost forgot to take a last glimpse of number four, Privet Drive. And that would have been a real shame.

* * *

**DOOMED MAD-EYE**: See you all in an hour! Have a nice trip!

**DEATH EATERS**: *appear EVERYWHERE*

**HARRY AND HAGRID**: Oh, f…

**HEX-HAPPY DEATH EATERS**: … uck, that's all! Nothing but a _lucky_ rollover saved your neck _there_!

**PATIENT PARODY READERS**: *groan*

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Red and green collided in midair in a shower of multicolored sparks -

**NARRATIVE**: Well, forgive me. Chiefly red and green sparks.

* * *

**HEDWIG**: *dies*

**THE CHILD IN ALL THE LONGTIME NOW TWENTY-SOMETHING READERS**: *dies as well*

**HARRY**: Hagrid! We've got to risk yours and mine life to rescue her cagéd corpse!

**HAGRID**: No time fer denial, Harry, they're hot on our tail!

**ALL THE LONGTIME NOW TWENTY-SOMETHING READERS**: … _whimper_…

* * *

**HAGRID**: *shoots a solid brick wall out of the exhaust pipe at flying Death Eaters*

**FORMERLY TEARY-EYED READERS, NOW MOSTLY ENTRANCED BY THE AWESOME**: … Ooooooh.

**CALLOUS READERS**: Ahahahaha! It's like a cartoon!

**THIS BOOK**: *will get only more cartoonish*

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Harry saw the Death Eaters swerve out of sight to avoid the deadly trail of flame, and at the same time felt the sidecar sway ominously: Its metal connections to the bike had splintered with the force of acceleration.

**READERS ALREADY FAMILIAR WITH ROWLING'S PROWESS IN BASIC MATH**: *sweat at the prospect of her now trying to dabble in basic physics*

* * *

**HAGRID**: *tries to do magic _in a deadly high-speed aerial pursuit_*

**HARRY**: Hagrid! No! This is not the time for your endearing comic relief!

* * *

**HARRY**: *does NOT try to kill Imperiused acquaintance Death Eater who is trying to kill him*

**DEATH EATERS**: OY! _That's so totally Potter!_

**HARRY**: What?

* * *

**HARRY AND HAGRID**: *suddenly unsurrounded by Death Eaters*

**HAGRID**: Harry! I think this is our hope spot!

**VOLDEMORT**: *appears, flying like Superman*

**THE SIGHT**: *is not riddikulus enough to be anything but terrifying*

**HAGRID**: *expletive*

**HARRY**: Wow, a Voldemort sighting already. This chapter is _so_ much more awesome than the first three.

* * *

**HAGRID**: *leaps off the bike onto Death Eater's broom*

**HARRY**: *still trying to be heroic* Hagrid, I love ya, but you are one damn useless protector when I'm in danger _and_ having saving-people-thing feeling.

* * *

**HARRY**: *falling towards earth* Wait, I magically escaped Voldemort again?

**HARRY**: My wand did something amazing to save my arse again?

**HARRY**: I'm crashing into the ground again?

**HARRY**: … damn, seventh book came, same as the other six. And it's not even chapter five!

* * *

_Chapter five is quite long too. Coming soon!_


	5. In Which There Is Little Action, But Som

_A/N: shyfoxling - thanks for the catch! You're better than Rowling's American editors! Possum - yep, Mad-Eye's quote about Voldemort splitting himself into seven is really in the book. The clever bit, as I recall, was simply that Harry and Hermione exchanged a glance, and then quickly looked away. _

_

* * *

_

**Chapter Five: In Which There Is Very Little Action, But Somehow Rowling Is At Top Form Anyway**

* * *

**HARRY**: *passes out*

**HARRY**: *revives*

**HARRY**: Dammit, I'm a frickin' fainting _pansy_.

* * *

**SCARY MOMENT WHEN IT IS UNKNOWN WHETHER OR NOT HAGRID IS DEAD**: *does not last terribly long*

**SCARY MOMENT WHEN WE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ANYONE ELSE**: *lasts much longer*

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Something hot and wet was trickling down Harry's chin and from his forehead.

**READERS**: Well, that couldn't be _blood_, now could it?

**NARRATIVE**: No, coz that would be redun… *checks notes* Oh. Well, maybe it is.

* * *

**UNIDENTIFIED (TO HARRY, THE READERS ARE QUICKER ON THE UPTAKE) MAN**: Hagrid's okay. And we're regrown your tooth.

**HARRY**: That was a hell of a lot less painful than regrowing bones.

* * *

**HARRY**: So who are you, exactly?

**TED**: Dora's father.

**HARRY**: Who-the-what?

* * *

**TED**: I am a sort-of new character!

**HARRY**: Cool. Do you have fixed epithets, too?

**TED**: You bet. My favorite is "fair-haired." My least favorite is "big-bellied." I'm not sure how I feel about my "mellow" voice.

**ANDROMEDA**: I do. Do you know how few mellow voices I heard growing up?

**TED**: So that's how I pulled y... I mean, it, off.

* * *

**HAGRID**: Harry! Blimey. Tha' was exciting. Can' believe after all that toughening up tha' I worked so hard to give yeh over the years… we almost died on a harmless little flying motorbike.

**HARRY**: Yeah, Beaky was _so_ more hardcore.

**HAGRID**: I KNOW, righ'?

* * *

**BELLATRIX**: *enters Harry's sickroom*

**BELLATRIX**: Just kidding, I'm Andromeda.

**HARRY**: *has already gotten Mrs. Tonks at wandpoint*

**HARRY**: Ah. You're the other sister. Hmm. Reckon I should lower my wand now.

**MRS. TONKS**: Ah yes, it's awkward, isn't it, presumptuous child?

**HARRY**: Lady, I'm _Harry Potter_. This doesn't even _make_ my personal Top 10 Most Awkward.

**MOANING MYRTLE**: *waves flirtatiously in the corner*

* * *

**MR AND MRS TONKS**: Is our daughter alive?

**HARRY**: I don't know. Oh my God, I don't know! Oh no, if anyone else has died, it's completely my fault! Despite the fact that I _warned_ them and I _totally told them not to do this_. COMPLETELY MY FAULT.

**TED**: All right, simmer down, son. We'll get a hold of ourselves if you will.

* * *

**HAGRID**: Wait, where's Hedwig?

**HARRY**: She... she got hit.

**HAGRID**: Aw, Harry. It's all right. She had a grea' old life - I bet she particularly enjoyed that time you lef' her behind at the Dursleys during the thir' movie.

* * *

**HARRY AND HAGRID**: *arrive at the Burrow via the magical transporter things*

**THE REAL FUN AND DRAMA**: *begins*

* * *

**HARRY AND MRS. WEASLEY**: *are truly adorable, I never _can_ make fun of these motherly hugs*

**HAGRID**: Haven't go' any brandy, have yeh, Molly? For medicinal purposes?

**HAGRID'S FANSHIP**: *doubles or triples with this single line*

**GINNY**: Not a bad idea, inasmuch as we're missing my dad, two of my brothers, my surrogate big sister—though at least I still have my schnuggly Harrybear.

**MRS. WEASLEY**: I don't see how this could get any worse…

**GEORGE AND LUPIN**: Hello here we are covered in blood.

**EVERYONE**: _Oh no I smell non-identical twin injuries_.

* * *

**LUPIN**: Well, I got George here in… well, less than three pieces… now time to leave this mess and manhandle people.

**HAGRID**: Le' go of Harry! Calm down! Stop actin' like a maniac!

**LUPIN**: *is evidently not as impressed as readership by Hagrid's medicinal purposes line, because he keeps ignoring him in a rather churlish manner until he finally responds to him in a truly churlish manner*

**HARRY**: Sheesh, what's all this uncharacteristic violence for?

**LUPIN**: Our plans were betrayed.

**WHAT HARRY SHOULD HAVE SAID**: You _think_?

**WHAT HARRY ACTUALLY SAID**: Ohmigod, no! There's _no_ precedent for Orderly betrayal! My innocent heroic heart refuses to believe it.

* * *

**LUPIN**: _Oh my God. _How did they recognize you as the real Harry?

**HARRY**: Because I did something stupid and noble?

**LUPIN**: Ah. That'll do it.

* * *

**LUPIN**: Seriously, Harry. Next time just take the bastard out. We fight to the death. This is _war_.

**HARRY**: Whoa. While the fans all clamored for book seven to be darker, I don't think they expected the good anti-heroic times to start with _you_. Who died and made you Mad-Eye?

**READERS**: Yes, Miz Parody Lady, jolly good dramatic irony there, well done…

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: … Wait, are you humoring me?

* * *

**HARRY**: So you think I should have killed Stan Shunpike?

**LUPIN**: No, I just think you should have let me kill Wormtail four years ago... or, you know, barring that, Stunned Shunpike.

**HARRY**: Which part of _Stunning him would have been the same as killing him_ do you not get?

**LUPIN**: The Death Eaters - frankly, most people! - in other words, I - would have expected you to counterattack rather than almost get yourself killed.

**HARRY**: This is very uncomfortable. Can't we go back to the warm-and-fuzzy grindylow days?

* * *

**HAGRID**: *after struggling to get through the doorway for the past three pages, finally gets in*

**HARRY**: *despite his annoyance with Lupin, evidently decides to take his lead in utterly ignoring Hagrid, except to later jump over his prone body to investigate a noise*

* * *

**THE NOISE**: *turns out to indicate Hermione's alive. This is important, because where would this multi-million-dollar franchise be without her?*

**RON**: *muttering* I would have all my lines in the movies, for one thing…

* * *

**KINGSLEY**: Time for more Order paranoia! You're a likely-looking Polyjuice impostor, Remus - tell me, what are the last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us?

**LUPIN**: Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him.

**KINGSLEY**: Oh, okay. Not to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured there, Harry.

**HARRY**: No, I just wish you'd all listen to that particular bit of advice.

* * *

**LUPIN**: What happened to you?

**KINGSLEY**: Followed by five, not counting You-Know-Who himself, injured two, might've killed one - because I am just that awesome. You?

**LUPIN**: Snape cursed George's ear off, because I am just that lame.

**HARRY**: SNAPE? WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT IT WAS SNAPE, THAT BASTARD WHO IS THE SOLE OBJECT OF MY ETERNAL IRE?

**HERMIONE**: *sighs exasperatedly and puts hand over ears*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Wait, isn't Stan supposed to be in Azkaban?

**KINGSLEY**: Another break-out. Yeah, I've lost count too. Azkaban is not what it used to be at the beginning of this series.

* * *

**HAGRID**: Harry, help ge' me outta this doorway.

**HARRY**: *apparently has superhuman strength, because he manages this*

**NARRATIVE**: Oh, yeah, maybe it's time to check on that injured Weasley twin again.

**IMPATIENT READERS**: Ya _think_?

* * *

**MOLLYWOBBLES**: How do you feel, Georgie?

* * *

**MR. WEASLEY**: I'm am in concerned father mode right now, Shacklebolt, so you—and your deadly Auror training—and all this Order paranoia—kindly BACK OFF!

**FRED**: *sees now-identical twin. is speechless*

**GEORGE**: Time to lighten the mood, I reckon.

**FRED**: *revives* What, they managed to curse you so that now you have an even suckier sense of humor?

**FANDOM**: _Awwww_. It's _heartwarming_.

* * *

**GINNY**: Ron and Tonks should be back by now. They didn't have a long journey; Auntie Muriel's is a hell of a lot closer than any of us would like.

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Tonks apparently has a very sketchy broom-landing technique, but I don't suppose anyone's surprised.

**VARIOUS SUSPENSE-RIDDEN LOVED ONES**: SHUT UP AND LET US EMBRACE, NARRATIVE.

**NARRATIVE**: Sorry, but I've got to move on.

* * *

**TONKS**: Ron was great. Totally p'wned a Death Eater. Almost like one day he could pull off being an Auror.

**HERMIONE**: You did?

**RON**: Always the tone of surprise.

**R/H FANSHIP**: *has new signature line*

* * *

**SUSPENSE**: *is still present, as we're missing four people*

**KINGSLEY**: Well, this is boring. I'm heading back to work.

**READERSHIP**: Cold, man. Stone cold.

**KINGSLEY**: What? C'mon, you know Bill and Fleur are out somewhere making sickeningly sweet love anyhow, we don't care about the appropriately-named Dung, and, let's face it, Mad-Eye can take care of himself—

**BILL**: Hi all. So, Mad-Eye's dead.

**KINGSLEY AND READERSHIP**: … Well we were not expecting that.

* * *

**BILL**: We saw it, but we couldn't do anything to save him…

**HARRY**: He was so brave, so tough, the consummate survivor…

**FRED AND GEORGE**: Damn, laughing at a totally inappropriate moment. _Awk-ward_.

**TONKS**: He was my mentor…

**SNIFFLING READERSHIP**: Wait… *sniffle* … what now?

**ROWLING**: Well, I was, erm, pressed for space back in Book 5, yes, that's it! It's not like I had _room_ to fit in that detail _then_!

* * *

**BILL**: All right everyone. I think this calls for alcohol.

**EVERYONE**: Agreed… among other things, it's probably the only way to make Mundungus feel sorry that he didn't stay.

* * *

**HARRY**: Huh, firewhiskey makes me feel purposeful and courageous. That might be useful in a pinch, since I always feel a sore lack of _that_.

**HERMIONE**: *all trepidation* Huh boy.

* * *

**LUPIN**: *drinks up majorly, because with Kingsley gone and Mad-Eye dead, the sole responsibility for tonight's Order paranoia now rests with him*

**BILL**: I'll make some excuses for Dung. Seriously, who wouldn't abandon their partner on a mission that's helping to save the world?

**FLEUR**: I will be more focused zan everyone and bring our attention back to the fact that _somebuzzy betrayed our plans_.

**ORDER**: Yeah. That sucks.

* * *

**HARRY**: Yeah, that does suck… Wait! No! Innocent heroic heart, remember.

**TWINS**: Damn straight. Time for ear jokes.

**LUPIN**: I'm doomed to be surrounded by fatally trusting Potters till the end.

**HARRY**: Wow, _Moony_, you are _really annoying_ in this book, aren't you?

**TONKS**: You haven't even seen the start of it yet. For instance:

**LUPIN AND BILL**: Us _men_ will go recover Mad-Eye's body.

**TONKS**: Yep, there it goes… This book sucks.

* * *

**HARRY**: *goes stupidly noble again the second Lupin walks out*

**MR. WEASLEY**: But you're not putting us in - erm, undue - danger! You-Know-Who's got no way of knowing which safe house you're in.

**HARRY**: Yeah, 'cause it's not _really_ _obvious_. I'm not sure there's enough Dark-Arts-induced brain damage in the _world_...

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Would it calm you down if I offered to get Hedwig all cosy?

**HARRY**: *facepalm*

* * *

**HARRY TO ASSEMBLED ORDER AND ASSOCIATES**: Well, thanks for the protection once again, guys, I guess. Good thing my wand is faster than all of you combined.

**MRS. WEASLEY**: There's no need for that sort of filthy talk, young man.

* * *

**HARRY**: GRR. Well, at the very least, I'm going off for dead-people angst, now that Mad-Eye's been added to the roster.

**READERSHIP**: NOOOOOO! We haven't seen the body! He could be alive!

**HARRY**: Don't be stupid, readership. Here, if you want something to spin wild theories from, have a go at this Voldemort-vision:

**OLLIVANDER**: Please don't hurt me, fearsome Dark Lord! I can make our conversation just as expositorily vague as necessary, just not another _Crucio_!

**READERSHIP**: Ooh, torturing innocent magical artisans, not on.

* * *

**HARRY**: I've had an important Voldemort vision.

**HERMIONE**: It wasn't annoying enough when I warned you about this in OotP, now I've got to remind you to close your mind _again_!

**HARRY**: Damn. I thought the plot-relevant information might sufficiently distract you.

**HERMIONE**: Oh Harry. A whole _book_ full of plot awaits. But for now, stop having those uncontrollable flashes of insight into your deadly enemy's head!

**RON**: *mutters* Yeah, what use could we _possibly_ get from those?

**HERMIONE**: Stop flirting with me, Ron, it's been a long night.

**HARRY**: Amen.


	6. Has Another Whimsical Title

_A/N: Well, now the posted chapters have very nearly caught up to the completed chapters. Huh boy. _

_

* * *

_

**CHAPTER SIX: Has Yet Another Whimsical Name**

* * *

**RON**: *coins the phrase "You-Know-Whats," much to our delight*

* * *

**HARRY**: So, in four days, we can start our quest to save the world!

**RON**: Five days.

**HARRY**: What?

**RON**: Five days. The wedding. They'll kill us if we miss it.

**HARRY**: You hobbits really don't have a lot of perspective, do you?

**RON**: What?

**HERMIONE**: Nothing! Nothing.

* * *

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Speaking of which! Could you darling children do some chores for me?

**HARRY**: *warily* … er, what if, hypothetically, I said no?

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Oh, Harry, dear… *growls* I AM going to prevent you three from preventing the takeover of the Wizarding world by assigning you unnecessary housework.

**HARRY**: God, and I was so looking forward to you being an indulgent and totally non-schizo mother-in-law.

* * *

**HARRY**: Well SOME Chosen One's gotta go out there and kill Voldemort!

**GINNY**: … whimper?

**HARRY**: Oh, yeah… honey, I mean ex-honey, I meant to mention…

**FRED AND GEORGE, MASTER WOMENHANDLERS**: *sniggering*

* * *

**THE CASUAL REVELATION THAT KILLING A SECRET-KEEPER MAKES ANYONE TO WHOM THE SECRET-KEEPER HAS DISCLOSED THE SECRET THE NEW SECRET-KEEPER**: *is a mindscrew*

* * *

**HARRY**: Gosh, it's uncharacteristically understanding of the Ministry to not ream me out for using underage magic in a life-threatening situation. Unless they're trying to hush up Voldemort's attack for PR reasons?

**MR. WEASLEY**: Pssht. The latter. Ob-vi-ous-ly.

**HARRY**: Oh good, the world makes sense again.

**MR. WEASLEY**: So what about the Hogwarts Muggle Studies prof "resigning"?

**HARRY**: … okay, the gratuitous killing scene in the prologue _does_ seem a bit creepy now we know how the spin went down.

**FLEUR**: 'onestly, people! Eet eez time to talk about my wedding.

**PEOPLE**: Right, sorry, sorry.

**FLEUR**: Oh, and zat 'Agrid? What a _flake_.

* * *

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Arthur, Harry. Coop-mucking duty, _now_.

**MR. WEASLEY**: Hmm, shall I work with chicken poop, or should I show off my awesome new gadgets to a captive audience? This is a toughie.

* * *

**HARRY**: My friends and I have escaped my obsessively-plotting future-mother-in-law and now have some time to chill, awesome!

**RON**: So, I'm thinking… maybe Mad-Eye's not actually dead… we haven't actually seen a body, you know.

**READERSHIP**: *drops collective jaw*

**READERSHIP**: B-B-B—W-Th—_That's what we always say!_

**LONE FAN IN THE BACK**: (Don't forget Sirius! He could still so totally come back in this book!)

**HERMIONE**: Honestly, you are all idiots.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *starts crying*

**RON**: Whoa, whoa, wait! I've been training really hard for these moments, this is the cue for me to be sensitive! Watch me leap into action!

**HARRY**: *watches, rather taken aback by all the handkerchiefs and sensitivity from the boy who looks an awful lot like his best friend*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: I'm… *sniff* okay now… ready to resume my review of the all-time greatest literary hits of this series.

**MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS**: _Yay I haven't been allowed to bite anyone since Book 3!_

**CAMEO FROM THE SERIES' MOST POPULAR GUEST STAR**: *Hogwarts, A History*

**FANS**: Yaaay!

* * *

**HARRY**: So, I know you two think you're going to be my stalwart companions on this desperate and deadly journey, but don't you go getting loyal on me just because you have the entire tradition of fantasy literature behind you—

**HERMIONE**: Harry, don't be an arse. We're totally prepared.

**HARRY**: O rly?

**HERMIONE**: Well, I've reprogrammed my parents' memories and shipped them off to Australia.

**HARRY**: *taken aback* … Oh. I admit, that's pretty hardcore.

**RON**: Look, I _know_ people will think we're with you if we don't go to Hogwarts, I've totally grasped that. Which is why I've made an unconvincing ghoulish copy of myself and have given it spattergroit!

**READERSHIP**: *bursts into laughter at the very mention of "spattergroit"*

**HARRY**: This… _is_ pretty far-reaching of you two…

**RON**: See, Harry. We are _so_ savvy to the conventions of this verse.

**HARRY**: Aw, guys. This is why you're my bffs.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: So, Harry, as we all know, you're still planning to go to Godric's Hollow—

**RON**: Which the readers should totally know, even though our plans to accompany you to your aunt and uncle's didn't actually pan out.

**HERMIONE**: —but I'm just not so sure there's any practical import to such a trip.

**HARRY**: Well, Hermione, you have your genre-savvy intuitions concerning your actions, and I have mine. I think Godric's Hollow will lead to an Inner Awakening.

**HERMIONE**: Or it could go disastrously wrong.

**HARRY**: Well, that propels our plot forward too, 'Mione! Sheesh!

* * *

**RON**: So, thinking about R.A.B.—we still haven't figured out who he is—

**FANDOM**: Aw, the widdle cwueless characters are _so_ cute—

**FEMINIST HERMIONE**: *gets the Trio even further from R.A.B. identity*

**RON**: —and this makes me realize that we don't have the first effing idea of how to destroy these Horcruxes without Dumbledore.

**HERMIONE**: Well, good thing _some_ of us, with our girl-power ambiguous morals, have the next best thing—

**RON**: *tuning into the fandom chatter* A portrait of Dumbledore, to teach us advanced magic?

**HERMIONE**: No, stupid. His library.

**RON**: Ah. I guess that'll do it too.

**RON**: (… my way involves much less of that reading crap, though)

* * *

**HARRY**: Wow, Hermione. Just _Summoning_ the stuff we need. Wish I had thought to do that on the Thing I Love Most in the Second Task. How did you think of it?

**HERMIONE**: Well, when I'm depressed after people's funerals, I just feel these irresistible urges to break magical law and dip into Tom Riddle's school reading.

**RON**: That'll make the end of this war an interesting time, then.

* * *

**HORCRUXES**: *tear their maker's soul apart*

**RON**: Wow, any way to repair that? Stitches maybe?

**HERMIONE**: All right, Ron, get comfortable, coz this is the part where we smuggle in Christian theology and _really_ screw with all the talking heads.

**RON**: *with the voice of an apt pupil making the connection* So _remorse_ is the only way Voldemort could fix himself… *back to his old voice* Well, that's a relief! Lucky we don't have to worry about _that_ happening.

* * *

**HARRY**: So now we're burdened by a mobile library and I still have _no_ capacity for destroying Horcruxes.

**HERMIONE**: Sure you do. You've already done it once.

**HARRY**: Huh?... Oh yeah. With a basilisk fang.

**HERMIONE**: And since it only has one very rare antidote, it was a foolproof destruction! Yeah!

**READERS**: … er, don't you mean that since there _is_ one antidote, however rare, it's not entirely foolproof? What if we just poured phoenix tears onto all the destroyed Horcruxes?

**WARNER BROTHERS**: Aha! Sequel hook!

* * *

**RON**: *is, by the way, totally parodying most of this conversation for me, so refer to all of his in-book lines during this fine comedic experience*

* * *

**HARRY**: *is distracted by _even more_ unanswered questions about his dead headmaster*

**ANGRY MRS. WEASLEY**: CRASH! BANG! None of that boring Dumbleangst! Back to work, kiddies, chop chop!

* * *

**MRS. WEASLEY**: I am destroying the soul of my house by _tidying_ it… since snotty rich French people are coming to stay!

**THE DELACOURS**: *against all expectations, seem really nice* Oh, you shouldn't 'ave gone to such trouble!

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Trouble? What trouble? There was no trouble!... I had loads of would-be heroic teenagers to do most of the work, after all.

**MR. WEASLEY**: *dazed* _Wow the one-fourth veela lady is so hot._

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Okay, _now_ there might be trouble.

* * *

**GABRIELLE**: My hair is still "silvery-blonde."

**READERSHIP**: Thanks for the heads-up.

* * *

**MRS. WEASLEY**: *trips over Harry* Oh, there you are! Let's you and I talk.

**HARRY AND MRS. WEASLEY**: *spend ten minutes elbowing Weasleys, Delacours, and Hermiones out of the way until they can find a private spot*

**MRS. WEASLEY**: *panting a little* So, sweetheart, how would you like to celebrate your birthday?

**HARRY**: Oh, Mrs. W., there's so much commotion going on, we really don't have to make you even bitchier by adding a birthday party to your plate.

**MRS. WEASLEY**: *getting hit in the back by stray person trying to wiggle through* Ooh, I know! We'll invite _more_ people over!

**HARRY**: Uh…

**MRS. WEASLEY**: And one of them can be Hagrid!

**HARRY**: Er, we're having this little party _outside_, right?


	7. Harry and the Lame Birthday Presents

_A great thanks to all the reviewers. It's strangely rewarding to have one's lines quoted back to you. Also very informative. Since some of the favorites are ones that nearly got axed during editing, I've started a new policy of "leave almost everything in, apparently someone's going to like it." _

_I have chapters nine, ten, and eleven done, but the upcoming one, the wedding, is oddly difficult. Nine is full of R/H fanservice and action, ten is full of R/H fanservice and filler, and eleven is full of R/H fanservice and the WTF-ery of the whole "Lupin freakout and Harry tantrum," all of which is ripe for parody. But the upcoming chapter is a toughie (it's easily as sweet as the Harry-and-Mrs.-Weasley-hugs). So have patience with that update._

_

* * *

_

**CHAPTER SEVEN: IN WHICH HARRY GETS LAME BIRTHDAY PRESENTS, EVEN FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE**

* * *

**RON**: Harry, wake up. You keep saying some bloke's name in your sleep again.

**HARRY**: *defensively* Look, what you people have got to understand, I dream about Cedric because he was my original second-war-casualty angst-bunny, not because I'm _gay_ for him…

**RON**: Not Cedric. You were saying "Gregorovitch."

**HARRY**: … Huh. I don't even know who that guy is. I think I was tapping into Voldemort's dream, actually.

**RON**: So is Gregorovitch Voldemort's angst-bunny or—

**HARRY**: Bitch please. It's my birthday. Where's my present?

* * *

**RON**: Yeah, my favorite team paid loads of money to get this sports player, and now we have he turns out to be comically sucky.

**READERS**: *sympathetically* Yeah, in the wizarding world too?

* * *

**HARRY**: I'm seventeen! I get to do _legal_ magic now!

**SUMMONED GLASSES**: *(cartoonishly) poke him in the eye*

**RON**: And you're going to defeat _Voldemort_?

**HARRY**: Shut up. I just… don't find spells as interesting now that I can't be arrested for them.

* * *

**RON**: Well, mate, I got you a book. Happy Birthday.

**HARRY**: A _what? _*taken aback* Well, this is shaping up to be a very unusual year, now isn't it?

**RON**: It's a book about pulling girls, you idiot!

**HARRY**: I've always seemed to have the opposite problem. How is this supposed to help me with Romilda Vane?

**RON**: Shut up, I want to work in an ambiguously innocent double entendre before breakfast.

* * *

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Ooh, Arthur and I got you a present too, Harry! My dead brother's watch! Because I didn't think you had enough dead-people-angst in your life.

**HARRY**: Mrs. Weasley… *chokes up*… I'm touched… right in the -

(But now he's hugging her, again stopping any jokes I might have made dead in the tracks of all the heartwarmth. Dammit.)

* * *

**HARRY'S OTHER PRESENTS**: *he has a Dudley-esque pile, which is kinda poetically just, I guess*

**HERMIONE'S**: *is a totally lame Sneakoscope, because the Trio paid _such_ attention to the first one*

**BILL AND FLEUR'S**: *a magical razor, gives… _Monsieur Delacour_ a shot at what I think is… _another_ double entendre?*

**THE DELACOURS'**: *chocolate, wonderful _French_ chocolate I presume, and a much more effective Dark-force-fighting tool than the Sneakoscope*

**FRED AND GEORGE**: *WWW merchandise, which feels like a cop-out, since Harry should probably get all new products automatically*

**THE KITCHEN**: *gets overcrowded*

**HERMIONE**: *as they leave* Oh yes, I forgot my own "adult" humor over breakfast!

**RON**: *splutter*

**HARRY**: Hmm, speaking of which, you know who I _didn't_ get a present from…

**GINNY**: *appears*

**HERMIONE**: Ron, you and I are going in _this other direction_.

* * *

**HARRY**: Hi, Gin. More double entendre?

**GINNY**: Seems kind of indirect, doesn't it?

**HARRY**: … Huh boy… Erm… Wow, nice day to totally not be dating anymore, isn't it!

**GINNY**: _Indeed_.

* * *

**BRITISH READERS**: All right, American cousins—_this_ is what we mean by "snogging".

**AMERICAN READERS**: *entranced*

* * *

**RON**: *bursts into the room*

**HARRY AND GINNY**: *stop snogging*

**RON**: All right, Harry, I think you've got _enough_ birthday presents for one year, _don't you_?

**HARRY**: *grumbling* I will so remember this one, buddy.

* * *

**THE SCENE**: *is awkward and sucks*

**HARRY**: Ohmigod. Ginny is crying. It's like one of the signs of a dark series finale.

**RON**: *clenching fists* Yeah, she is, let's talk about that, _now shall we_?

**READERS**: *murmuring hopefully* Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

* * *

**SEXUAL TENSION**: *is very high*

**BIRTHDAY GUESTS**: *thankfully arrive*

**GEORGE**: *is still maimed, in case you forgot in the midst of all the double-entendre and Horcrux-recap*

**HERMIONE**: *helps decorate*

**RON**: *is one smooth operator*

**HARRY**: *in a desperate effort not to revert to the sexual tension, resorts to talking to the ever-fascinating Monsieur Delacour*

* * *

**BIRTHDAY GUEST RUNDOWN**: *summarized for your convenience*

**LUPIN**: I haven't really acclimated from 'stoic misery' to this whole 'wedded bliss' thing. Grrrrrr.

**TONKS**: *glowing with the glowy of new pregnancy, but we aren't really to know that yet unless we're really good at foreshadowing*

**HAGRID**: Harry, I got yeh a genuinely cool and useful presen'.

**THE ANTI-THEFT MONEYBAG**: *is made of mokeskin or something*

**HARRY**: *taken aback* Wow, this is _quite nice_. Thank you, Hagrid, for saving the birthday loot from utter and resounding mediocrity.

* * *

**CHARLIE**: Norbert's a girl now.

**IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG READERSHIP**: We are so sexually confused. Curse you, Rowling!

**ROWLING**: I'm sorry, what's that? A hex that made me lose two million dollars? Ah well. *yawns*

* * *

**MR. WEASLEY'S PATRONUS**: *is a weasel*

**CLASSIC SUGAR QUILL FANDOM**: *squee!*

**TALKING WEASEL**: *in telegraphese, which is kinda funny. do we pay for talking Patronus messages by word?* Rufus Scrimgeour is accompanying me. _To the freakin' birthday party._

**DELACOURS**: Er… what's this highly impressive and unique magic a signal for?

**LUPIN**: _For me to manhandle my pregnant wife. Goodbye_.

**HARRY**: What, no present?

* * *

**SCRIMGEOUR**: I need a private word…

**HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE**: Grr, this is the part where the adults go talk with the Minister about plotpoints and we have to go to all the trouble of eavesdropping.

**SCRIMGEOUR**: … with Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Miss Granger.

**MR. POTTER, MR. WEASLEY, AND MISS GRANGER**: Whoa. Being of age is _awesome_.

* * *

**THE TRIO**: What's this 'bout?

**SCRIMGEOUR**: I shall tell you that when we are somewhere more private. Is there such a place round these here parts?

**MR WEASLEY**: You get your news about the Burrow from the same source as the Malfoys, do you?

**SCRIMGEOUR**: There will be no need for you to accompany us, Arthur.

**MR WEASLEY**: I'm sorry, was I just utterly p'wned or something?

* * *

**SCRIMGEOUR**: *prepares for the interrogation by continuing to draw lines in the sand. trying to get the Trio apart, dissing Arthur, calling the Boy Who Lived's best friend "Ronald"... you know, that sort of thing*

* * *

**HARRY**: Dude, I hate you and all the political amorality you stand for.

**SCRIMGEOUR**: I come bearing the Will of Albus Dumbledore.

**HARRY**: Oh, I didn't realize you were a _harbinger of more Dumbleangst!_ Awesome! Wow, I'm shocked Mrs. Weasley let you into the house!

**SCRIMGEOUR**: Didn't give her much opportunity, did I? Look how Aurory I'm being in my imperious command and magnificent interrogation skills.

**HERMIONE**: You don't have magnificent interrogation skills, Minister; Ron is just really transparent.

* * *

**SCRIMGEOUR**: I have the legal authority to hold Dumbledore's requests.

**HERMIONE**: Ergh, legally speaking, you _don't_.

**SCRIMGEOUR**: Impressive. Can I seduce you with a job offer in fancy-schmancy Magical Law?

**HERMIONE**: Minister, please. I have a Shakespearean name and I can so _totally_ make the Shakespearean lawyer jokes to match.

**RON**: I don't know who Shakespeare is, but I smell BURN!

* * *

**RON**: He left me a Deluminator? I didn't think he knew my name.

**HERMIONE**: He left me a book of fairy tales? *overcome with emotion*

**RON**: This is totally another cue to be sensitive, I just know it!

**HARRY**: And me? I bet I'm gonna get the best birthday present of _all_! It'll be—

**SCRIMGEOUR**: He left you that Snitch from Book 1.

**HARRY**: *deflating* —awesome.

**SCRIMGEOUR**: And why would he bequeath you _that_, O Chosen One?

**HARRY**: Apparently he just doesn't have the gift-buying knack. Like most people in my life this year.

**HARRY**: (... though at least he tried. Unlike certain newlywed Lupins I could mention. Hrmph.)

* * *

**SCRIMGEOUR**: Huh, I've cornered you _now_, Potter! Touch the Snitch and let's see what underground magic Dumbledore's put on it!

**HARRY**: *sweating* Erm… uh… squirm…

**SCRIMGEOUR**: _Now_, Potter.

**HARRY**: *oh all right fine*

**NOTHING**: *happens*

**HARRY**: That was dramatic.

**PARODY READERS**: *raise eyebrow at Miz Parody Lady*

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: I can't help it, you _can't_ improve on that line.

* * *

**HARRY**: Well, is that all?

**SCRIMGEOUR**: No… Dumbledore left you something else…

**HARRY**: *bounces up and down* All right, Dumbledore, birthday gift redemption time!

**SCRIMGEOUR**: Gryffindor's sword.

**HARRY**: AWESOME!

**SCRIMGEOUR**: … which I am totally not giving you.

**HARRY**: This birthday _sucks_.

* * *

**SCRIMGEOUR**: Yeah, well, so do you, obstinate child who keeps refusing to play politically nice!

**HARRY**: YOU REALLY WANT TO GET IN A SHOUTING MATCH WITH THE CAPSLOCK KING?

* * *

**SCRIMGEOUR**: Well, fine, I better calm down before Molly Prewett gives me her "indoor voices" lecture. But seriously, Potter, I want us to work together to bring Voldemort down.

**HARRY**: *holds up his _I must not tell lies_ hand* With this track record? Dream on.

**SCRIMGEOUR**: You're going to lump me in with Fudge and Umbridge? I take _serious_ offence. Good-_bye_.

* * *

**MRS. WEASLEY**: Well I never! Really!—Arthur, are you paying attention?

**MR. WEASLEY**: *fiddles around with the Deluminator in an adorably predictable manner*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *sneaks into the boys' room after-hours. noooo, not like that. more like this:*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: So, Ron. The gift Dumbledore gave _you_ is so lame. We could have done the same thing with Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder.

**RON**: *"a little defensively"* Still, it's cool. And Malfoy can't purchase one of these to foil our plans - _from my own brothers!_

**HERMIONE**: Well, he left _me_ a book so ultra rare that I've never even heard of it.

**RON**: Ha, piss off, it's a book of Wizarding-Grimm tales.

**HERMIONE**: Wait what now?

* * *

**HARRY**: Stop flirting, you two. I want to see what important message Dumbledore sent me from beyond the grave to help clear things for me in my confusion and despair.

**DUMBLEDORE'S IMPORTANT MESSAGE SENT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE TO HELP CLEAR THINGS FOR HARRY IN HIS CONFUSION AND DESPAIR**: I open at the close.

**HARRY**: Oh, look. A fortune-cookie koan. *headdesk*

* * *

**RON**: At least he gave you a sword.

**HARRY**: A sword which he could have given me during _all of the boring parts of Book 6!_ Sheesh! This is the lamest birthday since Aunt Marge, Ripper, and the tree.

**RON**: What's that?

**HARRY**: ... Never mind. That's all between me and the Sole Object of My Eternal Ire... *cracks knuckles*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Ron, you're a literary scholar since when now?

**RON**: Ahem. I smell a good chance to shoehorn a discussion of the sociological impact of fairy tales into this fine reading experience.

**HARRY**: Let's take it!

**HERMIONE**: Wait, Ron… Harry and I grew up hearing Muggle tales, you know, Cinderella and the Disneyfied Snow White.

**RON**: Indeed, I'm much more "up" on this fairy tale stuff than you. For example, I am cognizant that the printed Beedle versions will probably differ from the orally-transmitted versions told to me during my childhood. Allow me to speculate upon this phenomenon in relation to the corpus now in Hermione's possession.

**READERSHIP**: … Ron Weasley, we just so did not see this coming from you.

**RON**: I know. I've got Hidden Depths like that.

* * *

Meanwhile, I'm convinced this wasn't the only hushed midnight conference. While the Trio is speculating impotently, two parents have likely dragged their elder daughter outside for a Missing Moment...

* * *

**MADAME DELACOUR**: *in French undertone* Darling, why are you marrying into this family again? They're sweet and quaint enough, to be sure, but they and all of their suspiciously numerous friends seem quite mad.

**FLEUR**: *in French undertone* True that, but they have produced that muscle-bound, ear-bejeweled, devil-may-care bastion of hotness whose name I can't pronounce.

**MONSIEUR DELACOUR**:*you get the idea* And your mother and I are frighteningly sure that they're involved in some secret, violent underground vigilante movement...

**FLEUR**: Indeed. Which makes Beel _even __more _hot.

**MADAME DELACOUR**: It's not too late, we can whisk you away before tomorrow if you don't want to have to give your firstborn war-related Significant Names!

**FLEUR**: Maman! I am so having sugary honeymoon sex tomorrow night, no matter how many Ministry or Death Eater thugs try to intervene. So there.

**M/M DELACOUR**: *les sigh*


	8. Weddings Are Hell

_Let me indulge in Pottermath (you'll see more below): Reviewers of this parody = incalculable awesomeness. (Well, maybe it is calculable. I'm not much good at mathematics.)_

_Several people have mentioned Harry's characterization. The poor little bastard is pretty much doomed to his "drama queen" stereotype-and I feel this is mostly the fault of the movies. Really, in the book series-OotP aside-I think the kid actually takes an awful lot in stride-assertively, but very well because of that (and yes, I don't really mind his emotional moments-or, as I think of them, "the times he reminds me that he's a human being and not just narrator's POV chap." So in this parody Harry does tend to be bipolar: either the reactive punching bag of a strange world (a more accurate parody of canon, I think) or self-centered emo brat (too embedded in the HP parody tradition for me to properly break away, though I don't think it actually sheds much light on what's making these books tick). _

_But then this is true of all the characters-I'm not bothering to keep them too consistent; they will act in whichever way furthers the latest joke._

_I should mention that, upon rereading, this struck me as a fabulous chapter, maybe the best in the book. Makes me really wish that Rowling would go ahead and write something else, as I would definitely buy it. Cool pacing, excellent handle on loads of characters. Some of it is fluffy and indulgent, of course, but it's the fluffy and indulgent that an author earns at the end of a long and meticulous series. And the description of the ceremony itself was actually one of the sweetest things I've read in ages. I was a shameless sucker for "glowing" Fleur. _

_So yeah, it was pretty difficult to make fun of. But somehow I soldiered on. _

* * *

**Chapter Eight – Weddings Are Hell**

* * *

**HARRY, RON, FRED, AND HIS HOLEYNESS**: Wow, weddings are so boring when you're ushers. If only something exciting would happen. Like a battle! Ha, just joking. Maybe.

* * *

**THE GREAT, WILY PLAN TO CONCEAL HARRY FROM ALL THE NON-SECURITY-CLEARED RELATIVES, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THOSE MASTERMINDS OF INTELLIGENCE IN THE ORDER**: is, quite seriously, to make him redheaded and trust to the usual tendencies of extended families to not be able to keep track of all the cousins.

**THE WEDDING COLORS**: are gold and white in a desperate attempt to not step on Hogwarts House-toes.

**FRED**: Allow me now to make a wiseacre about my own never-to-happen-marriage that will totally kill the happy mood for all my fans whenever they reread this book.

**FANS DURING EVERY RE-READ**: :-(

**GEORGE**: Oh, yeah—prat Percy. No reason to bring him up, just reminding those "casual readers" (bless them) that he exists. Oh, look, pimped-out wizard guests!

**WIZARD GUESTS**: *really, really like their bling*

* * *

**TWINS**: *immediately tussle over who gets to escort veela cousins to the seats*

**GEORGE**: I saw her first!

**FRED**: My fake French is faker than your fake French!

**FRED**: *wins*

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: *presumes that Fred was not much help for the rest of guest-seating*

* * *

**HARRY**: Oh look, Order-type guests. As opposed to those wretched relative-type guests.

**TONKS**: Hi, Harry!

**HARRY**: Uncharacteristic blond hair you've got there.

**TONKS**: Apparently I have passive-aggressive feelings toward Fleur, and, as a Metamorphagus, can do a _lot_ worse than bitchily copy her shoes on her big day.

**HARRY**: A-ha. And *undertone and gesture* is he… er… time of the month… ?

**TONKS**: Oh yeah, well, you know my hubby. Always bringing the par-tay!

**HAGRID**: Oh wait, I had a specially assigned chair?

**NON-SPECIALLY ASSIGNED CHAIRS**: *crash*

* * *

**READERS**: Eccentric-looking wizard named _Xenophilius_… oh, this must be Luna's father, of course.

**XENOPHILIUS**: I am singlehandedly quadrupling the number of times teenaged creative writers use the one-word adjective "candyfloss"!

**XENOPHILIUS**: … also I know _langua Latina_ that is even more canine than most in this series.

**XENOPHILIUS**: … also, gnomes are cool.

**RON**: Er… yeah… So, where's Luna?

**XENOPHILIUS**: Oh, Luna… I always lose track of her…

* * *

**LUNA**: Harry!

**HARRY**: No. Cousin Barmy. I mean, Barny.

**LUNA**: Oh, Harry. I know it's you.

**HARRY**: How - ?

**LUNA**: The pheromones, baby.

**HARRY**: Look, maybe if you were still wearing the radish earrings. Man, those things were sexy. But, yeah, as it is, let's just be friends.

* * *

**LUNA**: Ron can laugh, but my father has done respected and _totally_ scientific research on his wacky superstitions.

**HARRY**: Of course he has.

**LUNA**: He also believes in astrology and "sun colors."

**HARRY**: The Wizarding world gets more and more… mundane.

* * *

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: I AM GIVER OF THE DAMN GOBLIN TIARA (VIZ BOOK 6), DON'T FORGET ABOUT DAMN GOBLIN TIARA, READERS.

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Ahem. Oh, and your hair's much too long, Ronald, for a moment I thought you were Ginevra.

**YAOI FANGIRLS AND FANARTISTS**: … _very interesting_, thank you.

**RONALD**: *looks round hopefully at renewed fan attention… until he realizes that the slashers are mostly interested in the fact that he could be mistaken for Ginny in darkened settings*

**AND THEN**: *he blanches*

* * *

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: *offers a lot of important canonical info in this chapter. Perhaps the most pertinent is that Harry looks "gormless" in all those pictures that the _Prophet_ likes to print of him.*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *has another GoF-at-the-ball-moment—GoF the book, not the movie*

**RON**: Wow, you look great!

**HARRY**: That wasn't even _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches_ speaking this time, that just came straight from his, ahem, heart.

**THE VERY IMPRESSED WEASLEY BROTHERS**: *try to impress Hermione of Renewed Hotness by talking about Uncle Bilius pulling flowers out of his, well, we can't say the world in a children's book, but _you know_*

**HARRY**: I'm either laughing at Bilius or the smoothness of the Weasley lot in general, mwaha.

* * *

**READERS**: More sexual tension? Please?

**VIKTOR KRUM**: As you vish! I arrive.

**THE CONSEQUENT SEXUAL TENSION**: *makes Hermione drop her magic bag and Ron criticize other men's facial hair*

* * *

**FANDOM**: Mrs. Weasley has new dress robes! Fanartists, attention!

**MRS. WEASLEY**: *reddening and spluttering* _Well_… really… this war is either going to go down one of two ways: our side will win and be fabulously powerful, or our side will lose and die. And either way the economy's going to pretty much die. So what's wrong with running up our credit?

**APPRECIATIVE FANARTISTS, ALREADY SCRIBBLING**: Nothing at all.

* * *

**HERE COMES THE BRIDE**: *is, thankfully, not played*

**THERE IS APPARENTLY**: only one ceremonies officiant in the whole of the Wizarding world, which must make him privy to a lot of wartime shenanigans, pardon the plotbunny. (_yes, you are allowed to use it. link-backs though!_)

* * *

**FLEUR**: *_so totally glowy. Blonde Tonks cannot compete_*

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: *ruins the moment* Ginevra's dress is far too low-cut!

**HARRY**: Oh, _no_. Wouldn't want _that_.

* * *

**FANDOM**: Miz Author Lady seems to be squeezing in canonical middle names upon every conceivable pretext in this book… we _totally_ approve, but…

**ROWLING**: Well, you lot are completely loopy, but you made me rich, so I figured I could indulge you.

**FANDOM**: _William_ and not _Bilius_? Fleur _Isabelle_? Off to correct all our old fic!

* * *

**WEDDING OFFICIANT**: ... then I declare you bonded for life. *wandwave*

**THE WANDWAVE**: wasn't like that, get your minds out of the gutters!

**READERSHIP**: In our defense, this _book_ has its mind in the gutter. We just followed it there.

**THE WANDWAVE**: Oh, all right, fine.

**READERSHIP**: Er, how strong is wedding magic? Seems like divorce could be a very real difficulty depending on what sort of spell this "shower of silver stars" thing is.

**WEDDING OFFICIANT**: Look, I don't know, okay? That's what fanfic is for.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Let's go congratulate the newlier newlyweds!

**RON**: We'll have time later.

**HERMIONE**: But… what if the reception ends prematurely with panic and thuggery… such that none of us will see them again till April unless we betray the others in a cowardly, pissy spat? …

**RON**: Pssht. Silly woman. Go find us a table that is so many thousands of miles away from Auntie Muriel.

* * *

**RON**: Luna, you're conspicuously and pitifully and very yellow-ly alone here, would it be a problem if we joined you?

**LUNA**: I think I can live with that.

**HERMIONE**: *tries to flirt with Ron under the table but gets Harry instead*

**KICKED-UNDER-THE-TABLE HARRY**: Yyyyyyyoww! *wateryeyes* Future M/M R.B. Weasley play _rough_.

**CERTAIN SEGMENTS OF THE FANDOM**: *prick up their ears*

**FUTURE M/M R.B. WEASLEY**: Go _away_, Certain Segments of the Fandom.

* * *

**RON**: Mwahaha, Lovegoods, they're so quaint and amusing.

**KRUM**: *arrives, a scowling bundle of table-crashing fun* Who is that man in the yellow?

**RON**: Lovegood. He is not at all quaint and not at all amusing, and Slavic exes like you are not allowed to laugh at him.

**KRUM**: Vot, I'm scared of you?

**RON**: *glowering* ... Hermione, I'm filled with a sudden overwhelming desire to dance.

**HERMIONE**: Eh, what now? ... Should I be asking security questions?

**RON**: NO MISS GRANGER I EXPECT YOU TO DANCE.

* * *

**KRUM**: I would totally duel that filthy Holocaust-denier.

**FANDOM**: He does honor duels? We haven't seen any other character in this series do that. Apart from Harry and Draco being titchy schoolboys. So yeah, his coolness quotient just went way, way up.

**KRUM**: I am not interested in that! I am focused on the outrage of it all.

**FANDOM**: _That's what makes him cool_. *swoon*

* * *

**HARRY**: *recalls three books ago* GREGOROVITCH!

**KRUM**: *suspiciously* Vot about him? Are you vun of those strange boys who vakes up screaming his name too?

**HARRY**: … are there more of us?

* * *

**KRUM**: Vell, allow me to finish off the process of becoming Easily The Coolest Character In This Chapter with the immortal line—

**THE IMMORTAL LINE**: I had not realized I ever discussed my vand with fans.

**ROWLING**: Coz they're far too mature now to snigger about that.

**THE MATURE FANDOM**: _Hahahahahahaha!_ That was so na-aughty! *stray giggles break out over the course of the next few minutes*

* * *

**KRUM**: Vow, Weasley girl is hot.

**HARRY**: Oh no you don't pal. She's totally taken.

**KRUM**: Vell, hrmph. I've played out this story vunce before in Britain. Vot is the point of being an international Quidditch player if all the good-looking girls are taken?

**ALL THE SELF-IDENTIFIED GOOD-LOOKING GIRLS IN FANDOM**: Yoo-hoo, O Suddenly Cool One!

* * *

**HARRY**: _Ron I must tell you about Gregorovitch._

**RON, ON DANCE FLOOR WITH HERMIONE**: Sorry, Harry, but some of us are busy doing heterosexual things.

* * *

**HARRY**: *is a wallflowery nerd*

**SERIOUSLY**: He watches other people dance with his best friend and the girl of his dreams—sorry, Harmonians, we're talking about different people there—reflects on cross-cultural wedding traditions, notes that other people are getting hot veela action, and avoids creepy drunken Weasley uncles.

**HARRY**: The only thing that could make my night more exciting is to party it up with Elphias-in-the-Hat. Yo, Dodgy, what up?

* * *

**DOGE**: Oh, Harry! Hmm, I thought of writing words of comfort to you after Dumbledore's death. And then I didn't. Sorry about that.

**HARRY**: This seems to be a Wizarding theme, as I swear I had this exact conversation with Lupin sometime after Sirius went curtains, but that's beside the point. Can you tell me all of Dumbledore's baser secrets, Mr. Doge?

**DOGE**: What now? He had none! Most particularly none of the baser kind. Albus Dumbledore was practically perfect in every respect!

**HARRY**: Hmm, you're not going to be very helpful, are you.

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: HELLO THERE. ARE WE TALKING ILL OF THE DEAD?

**HARRY**: Auntie Muriel, welcome!

* * *

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Let's not drag in these idiotic faith-in-God/faith-in-Dumbledore parallels, you have a whole book to brood on that whereas you will only have the _one _chance to talk juicy scandal with me!

**HARRY**: Good point. Proceed.

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Isn't Rita Skeeter just _dishy_? It's so nice to have an accurate and fearless reporter in these degenerate days!

**HARRY**: …

* * *

**FANDOM**: While Harry is trying to recover, let us just say that we ardently hope that this Couples Cancer that has infected the series will not extend to Muriel and Doge.

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Elphias, you pathetic, solemn old ass.

**FANDOM**: Whew. No, even by _Potterverse_ standards, we're pretty sure that's not flirting.

* * *

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Anyway, the most fabulous rumor of all is that Dumbledore killed his Squib sister!

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: … I know that will devastate Harry, as it sounds so totally in line with everything he knows about Dumbledore that it should be impossible to dismiss it as one of the Wizarding world's many crackpot rumors.

**HARRY**: OH GOD I HAVE FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN AND I MUST SCREAM.

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Oh yeah, and I have found my fixed epithet. I **cackle **at least once a page during this conversation.

* * *

**HARRY**: … my childhood angst is coming back… indeed, I see myself in this Ariana Dumbledore… imprisoned for my oddity… cruelly manipulated by a certain Albus Percival…

**ARIANA DUMBLEDORE**: *voice-over* And a fellow fanfic magnet!

**FANFICCERS**: Testify!

* * *

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Bathilda Bashot, ethnographer as well as historian, has _all_ the goods on Questionably Secretive Dumbledore.

**HARRY**: Bathilda Bagshot? Thank God Hermione makes me read our required booklist sometimes, or I would be even more behind the rabid fandom.

**AUNTIE MURIEL**: Oh, and Dumbledore, very nebulously and nefariously, lived in Godric's Hollow. That _that_, Dumbledore worshippers!

**HARRY**: My family lived in Godric's Hollow + Dumbledore's family lived in Godric's Hollow, but he never told me in the middle of bailing me out of trouble with every other Wizarding authority in this country = betrayal! NOO!

**READERS**: *back away slowly, muttering to each other about Miz Author Lady's maths*

* * *

Meanwhile, while Harry is scraping together the pitiable scraps of his disillusioned and embittered heart…

**HAPPY GROOM**: So, time for us to sneak off and leave our guests to it?

**HAPPY BRIDE**: Oh, let's just finish zees dance, zare's no hurry…

**BEFORE THAT HAPPENS**: *we have the Message of Doom*

* * *

**THE MESSAGE OF DOOM**: *is sent by Kingsley, and I will insert an obligatorily unfunny 'Weasleys didn't invite the black acquaintance to the wedding' joke here*

**KINGSLEY'S PATRONUS**: The Ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. "They" are coming.

**FANDOM**: OMG we now know Kingsley's Patronus! And it's a lynx! *squee*

**KINGSLEY'S PATRONUS**: Did you not get the part about the doomsday? Run for your lives! Like sheep! Panicking, Disapparating sheep!

**FANDOM**: Oh yeah, yeah, right—we mean, O, how horrible! It looks like the action has started!


	9. Silly Fanservicey Doomsday Action, That'

**CHAPTER NINE: Silly Fanservice Doomsday Action, That's What**

* * *

**WEDDING GUESTS**: Obediently run for their lives, like panicking, Disapparating sheep.

**EXCEPT FOR**: Lupin and Tonks, who are the first to jump into fighting mode and raise a back-to-back Shield Charm.

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: *would certainly not object to having a good fanart of that moment either*

* * *

**ENTIRE WEDDING PARTY**: *is complete chaos*

**HARRY AND HERMIONE**: *desperately fighting through a suddenly very dangerous crowd as they look for Ron*

**HERMIONE**: I'm half-sobbing, look how emotional and female I am!

**HARRY**: I have noticed. Hope you aren't going to slow us down.

**RON**: Here I am, baby, it's all right—

**HERMIONE**: *tossing back her hair* Of _course _it's all right, but primarily because I'm crazy prepared and totally the magical equivalent of the getaway driver! _Side-Along Apparition time, boys! Yee-haw!_

* * *

**THE TRIO**: *is now elsewhere*

**RON**: Wow… this book is about to get awesome, isn't it?

**HARRY**: Tottenham Court Road is going to have even more touristy action than before, that much I know.

* * *

**RON**: Hermione, Muggles are laughing at our dress robes and it is totally not helping my already fragile self-esteem.

**HARRY**: If only I'd thought to get my Invisibility Cloak in the midst of all that festivity and happiness—

**HERMIONE**: Which part of "I'm crazy prepared" did you boys not understand?

**HARRY**: But you're just carrying a cute non-functional little dress-up bag—

**HERMIONE**: Harry, for the last time, you are in a _fantasy series_. With _magic_. Now start changing on-stage for the benefit of the fangirls.

**RON**: *changing on-stage for the benefit of the fangirls* How did you think of all this?

**HERMIONE**: I just had a feeling. A feeling that we were living in a state of freakin' civil war or something. You know.

* * *

**HARRY**: Now that I'm out of those poncy dress robes, I'm starting to think heroic thoughts about the other wedding guests who didn't Disapparate—

**HERMIONE**: Not the time for your saving-people-thing, Harry!

* * *

**MORE FANSERVICE**: *in the form of drunks whistling at Hermione*

**THE REALLY AMUSING THING**: *is that for some reason they seem to instinctively know that she's with Ron, and not Harry. I believe this is an anvil with "Harmonians Ahoy" inscribed on it*

* * *

**ALL-NIGHT CAFÉ**: Sure, we cater to the underage.

**THE TRIO**: *sitting down in a booth* Phew, what a relief that our murderous enemies are so clueless about 97% of the world that they wouldn't dare follow us in here.

**GUM-CHEWING WAITRESS**: *this is not the same one Harry hit on in the movie adaptation of HBP, I'm almost sure of it* Here's the nasty-ass thin slop we sell as coffee, which should hopefully help ward off said deadly enemies, because who would come near this stuff?

**THE TRIO**: Isn't this a good moment to say the name "Voldemort"?

**TWO HOODED, THUGGISH-LOOKING MUGGLES COME IN**: *well they're just workmen, totally harmless, aren't they?*

**HARRY**: *whips out his wand just in time*

**ALL HELL**: *breaks loose*

* * *

**RON**: *slow on the uptake*

**HARRY**: *takes a Death Eater down*

**HARRY**: *also _Stupefy_ies the gum-chewing waitress of an innocent bystander, I'm shocked we didn't get more angst mileage out of this one*

**HERMIONE**: Oh, Ron, you're hopeless; _I'll_ take down the other dude.

**THE TRIO**: *is victorious. this early in the book, was there ever really any doubt?*

* * *

**FANDOM**: Well, sheesh, at least Voldemort doesn't seem to send his star Death Eaters after Harry Potter and his associates.

**RON**: Well, the one is Dolohov.

**FANDOM**: As in Dolohov who almost killed Hermione in OotP? … All right, we take that back, and now we're just wondering how the Trio got so damned good.

**RON**: The other one, that annoying "big blonde" bloke who's been running around nameless since HBP and driving fanficcers crazy, is Thorfinn Rowle.

**ROWLING**: *folds arms, glares at fandom, and just dares them to object to the new name-drop*

**FANDOM**: No, we're cool with that name.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Why are we talking about this fanservice nonsense? I'm on the verge of hysterics, here!

**HARRY**: I'll now show my "clear-headed" quality.

**RON**: So, kill them or what? I vote for killing them. Rumor has it that killing is totally okay in this book.

**HARRY**: Yeah, but I've still got my innocent heroic heart, plus a specious rationalization on how it would be better to just wipe their memories.

* * *

**HARRY**: … if we even knew how to do that. Not, come to think of it, that we actually know how to kill anyone anyway.

**RON**: You don't? So when you didn't kill Sirius in PoA, that was just because, I don't know, you _actually_ couldn't, as opposed to that weak-ass "morally couldn't" crap?

**HERMIONE**: Well, fortunately I've studied the theory. And so, you sons of bitches, _obliviate_!

**READERSHIP**: *glancing sidelong at each other* So… who's going to be the one to ask if she also studied the theory of the _other_ spell under discussion?...

* * *

**RON**: Hermione, I know this is an inconvenient time, but I haven't been insensitive and annoying in three chapters minimum, and it's just coming out of me.

**HERMIONE**: Good, time for some more double entendre.

**HARRY**: You two! Get your hormones under control! _We're on the run from Death Eaters who found us in the Muggle world, how did that happen?_

**HERMIONE**: Um, maybe you've still got the Trace?

**RON**: No way. The Trace breaks at seventeen, that's Wizarding law, you can't put it on an adult.

**HERMIONE**: Erm, yeah. And you know what tend to break _Wizarding law_? ^$*#!ing Death Eaters, that's what!

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Sorry for the snippiness. I didn't mean that, Miz Parody Lady made me. It's impossible Harry has a Trace on him.

**HARRY**: But what if I have? Look, I've got to do the stupid and noble thing and separate from you two—

**HERMIONE**: _Harry Potter this is so very not the time_.

* * *

**RON**: All right, all right, you two are dangerously close to flirting and I can't be having with it. Where's a safe hiding place?

**HARRY**: Grimmauld Place.

**HERMIONE**: He said _safe_, Harry.

**RON**: Oy!

**HERMIONE**: Ron, I'll get back to arguing with you in a _moment_. Harry, _Snape_ can get inside there!

**HARRY**: My adrenaline is flying _way_ high right now, and wiping the floor with The Sole Object of My Eternal Ire would be the _perfect_ cap to a sucky evening.

**HERMIONE**: *looks like she wants to argue. presumably her argument would be "What about the Flight of the Prince convinced you that you would be in any way a match for Snape?"*

* * *

**READERSHIP**: *happy dance* Grimmauld Place! Kreacher! R.A.B.! Locket-Horcrux! It's about time.

* * *

**THE ANTI-SNAPE JINXES SET UP AT GRIMMAULD PLACE**: *only go to show that Moody had a really morbid imagination, but I suppose we all knew that*

**HARRY**: *spluttering, coughing, and totally not tearing-up at figure of decomposing Dumbledore* Geez, Mad-Eye. Sodding _bastard_, you are.

**RON**: It's all right, Hermione my sweet, the worst is over—

**MRS. BLACK'S PORTRAIT**: DID FILTHY MUDBLOOD-LOVING SCUM SAY SOMETHING?

**HARRY**: *groan* Oh hell no.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Whew, those were some badass curses Mad-Eye set up.

**HARRY**: Ye-e-ah, supposing the Sole Object of My Eternal Ire has any actual sense of humanity or shame. Otherwise they're merely morbid and wouldn't stop him longer than it would take him to whip out his wand.

**RON**: I shall now christen jinx figure old Dusty. And he shall be mine, and he shall be my Dusty.

**HERMIONE**: Yeah… _I'm_ naming the children.

* * *

**THE SUBSEQUENT QUIET, SETTLING-DOWN MOMENT**: *is as good a one as any for Harry to suddenly have one of his Unoccluded Voldemort mind-link-attacks of much agony and pain*

**RON**: These things are still really unfamiliar to me after two books, is it You-Know-Who? It _is_ You-Know-Who! Oh hell, is at the Burrow? Info, like now please!

**HERMIONE**: No, no info! He _shouldn't be having these attacks because he should be an Occlumency master_!

**RON**: But I want to know if my family is dead or not NOW.

**MR. WEASLEY'S TALKING WEASEL PATRONUS**: Soon coming to a circus near you!

**IT SAYS**: Family safe, Ron, so calm down so that you can at least delay your whiny, treacherous freak-out for a few more chapters.

* * *

**HARRY**: *thinks of Ginny, _but not the rest of the Weasleys_, as family*

**HERMIONE**: *shyly* So… can we all sleep together tonight?

**RON**: Absolutely.

**HARRY**: *says nothing at all and bolts to the bathroom to retch or something*

**ROWLING**: Anvils here people, ANVILS.

**H/Hr'ers**: This book sucks even more than HBP. *sulk*

* * *

**HARRY**: *has one of those mind-melds that lets us into the Missing Moments concerning Voldemort, which are always very sweet and special*

* * *

**HARRY-AS-VOLDEMORT**: I'll talk to you, Rowle, since the readers have to get familiar with your name… shall we feed you to Nagini?

**ROWLE**: I *gasp* only got a *choke* name this frickin' book, I can't *moan* get a cool death as *yecch* Snape!

**HARRY-AS-VOLDEMORT**: How dare you let Harry Potter escape? How pathetic is that! And you call yourself a Dark Wizard!

**ROWLE**: Well *gag* what about you, Dark Lord, you've done it *groan* how many times—

**HARRY-AS-VOLDEMORT**: Draco! Don't even _think_ of preserving your schoolboy-bully innocence, Cruciate him!

**HARRY**: Cruciate?

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: I thought it a useful verb.

* * *

**TRAUMATIC PSYCHOTIC EXPERIENCES**: *finite*

**HERMIONE**: Oy, Harry! I've brought your toothbrush!

**HARRY**: Thanks, Mum.

* * *

_One of my best friends has flown across the entire U.S. to come visit me for a week, so updates may be a wee bit slow. And after that week I'm starting that "employment" thing again (what what?) so they may continue to be slow. Whoops. Sorry. For the time being, though, let's aim for two chapters a week. Cheers!_


	10. Half This Chapter Brought To You By TVTR

**CHAPTER TEN: HALF THIS CHAPTER BROUGHT TO YOU COURTESY OF TVTROPES. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I TROPE.  
**

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN, "KREACHER'S TALE"**: *opens with just about the most heart-melting Ron/Hermione tableau in all of existence*

**HARMONIANS**: OKAY OKAY WE GIVE.

**HARRY**: Meanwhile, I have no love to rely upon, just Dumbleangst.

**HARMONIANS**: *whimper* Our version of canon would have prevented all this…

* * *

**HARRY**: *seriously, I swear, what with all the crap that went down last chapter, wakes up thinking solely of the rumors about Dumbledore's one-hundred-year-old neglect of his sister*

**HARRY**: Well, what did you want me to think about, the damn _Ministry_ falling? Honestly, for all the hoopla, I don't see how that will make any difference to this series.

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Harry could not stand lying there in Grimmauld Place with nothing but bitter thoughts for company.

**NARRATIVE**: … even though you would have thought he'd built up a tolerance for that sort of thing in Book 5.

**FANDOM**: Well, he's growing up. So, narrative, what sort of action are you providing us with now that doomsday has come and gone? More action? More adventure?

**NARRATIVE**: Oh, we're going to wander around Sirius's and Regulus's childhood rooms and angst some.

**FANDOM**: :-/

* * *

**HARRY**: *admires Sirius's Muggle pictures of bikini-clad girls*

**HARRY**: *er, wait... admires Sirius's _nerve_ in putting them up. Not the pictures themselves. Not at all!*

* * *

**HARRY**: Ooh, another token of Marauder nostalgia. Can I take it with me?

**THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK**: *is apparently _really_ addicted to Permanent Sticking Charms*

* * *

**HARRY**: Aw, but I really wanted some backstory nostalgia to dampen my spirits this morning…

**LETTER WRITTEN BY LILY POTTER**: Yoo-hoo, sweetie, over here!

**HARRY**: Oh… my… _God_…

* * *

**THE LETTER**: Hi Padfoot! Mind if I throw Marauderic nicknames around like candy at a parade?

So I'm writing to you on Harry's first birthday, as you're apparently out on one of those vague Order missions that would so enliven the series of my titular son if we knew the details of. I used to think those missions were a bitch, but I'm starting to envy you, you sly chronic-broomstick-giving godfather, you, now that James is going stir-crazy here under Fidelius—_in a way that so strangely parallels your later fate_. Ahem.

**JAMES**: *via the heavenly King's Cross intercom* Soul-brothers.

**SIRIUS**: *Always, brother.

**THE LETTER**: For canonical verisimilitude, let me name-drop Petunia, Quidditch, Bathilda, Invisibility Cloaks (that are so totally not Deathly or Hallowed or anything like that), and Wormtail and the McKinnony death he apparently orchestrated in the same sentence. Oooh, ominous.

To round off, let me play "sadistic mother" and cut off this letter where Harry is really getting interested, you know, the part where I _could_ shed some light on Dumbleangst!

No generic letter-ending love for you, I'm saving it for Stalking Sev—

Lily. :-)

**HARRY**: ORPHANIC ANGST LIKE NOW. *whimper*

* * *

**HARRY**: All right, I've recovered enough to reread the letter and actually think about these contents. And I will chew on the questions very thoughtfully, but here are some of the questions I will _not_ ask:

**HOW IS IT**: *that this letter wound up here at all? surely Sirius wasn't chilling at Grimmauld when he first received it, so how come he has here now?*

**DID PETUNIA REALLY**: *send Lily Christmas presents?*

**AND WHAT THE HELL**: *is going on with first war chronology?*

**OBSESSIVE FANDOM**: *collective head goes a-splode*

**HARRY**: *blissfully ignorant* This letter is going in my mokeskin of cherished treasures. *happy sigh*

* * *

**HARRY**: So here's this letter to Sirius written by my dead mum.

**HERMIONE**: Oh. That's nice.

**HARRY**: And a picture of me as a baby on a toy broomstick, look.

**HERMIONE**: Very sweet.

**HARRY**: So it seems as though someone was searching the house.

**HERMIONE**: Yeah.

**HARRY**: I bet it was the Sole Object of My Eternal Ire.

**HERMIONE**: Snape? Pshaw. Why?

**HARRY**: Looking for info on Dumbledore? Stalking my mum two decades after her death?

**HERMIONE**: Maybe.

**HARRY**: You know Bathilda Bagshot? Author of -

**HERMIONE**: *lights up with interest* _A History of Magic!_ I can't believe your dead parents knew her! She was an incredible magical historian!

**HARRY**: *snorts* Yes, yes, Hermione, it's very exciting. Now do try to get a hold on yourself.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: _Oh_… I get it… orphanic angst… *understanding smile*

**HARRY**: Hermione, don't do that, you _know_ I hate Understanding Smile.

* * *

**SIGN ON DOOR ACROSS FROM SIRIUS'**: Do Not Enter Without the Express Permission of Regulus Fond-of-His-Middle-Name Black, _Bitches_.

**NARRATIVE**: Excitement trickled through Harry, but he was not immediately sure why.

**READERS**: *trying to shout through the fourth wall* OH WE BLOODY WELL KNOW WHY, AND DON'T YOU DARE FAIL TO MAKE THE CONNECTION, SCAR-BOY.

**HARRY**: Hermione! I found R.A.B.!

**READERS**: FINALLY! God, we were on that two _years_ ago.

* * *

**HARRY**: So, maybe we should enter-without-the-express-permission-of-Regulus-Acturus-Black. (Bitch.)

**HERMIONE**: Not without Ron! He's so useful and patient when we explore backstory.

* * *

**THERE'S ALSO A SCHOOL PHOTO**: *in Regulus's room*

**REGULUS**: *basically didn't bother to do his own interior decorating, he just looked at whatever Sirius did and customized it for himself*

**HARRY**: He tried to help destroy Voldemort's soul… and he played Seeker… Yes, I see myself in this dead-by-backstory character, too…

**RON AND HERMIONE**: So not interested in your innocent heroic heart, Harry…

* * *

**TRIO**: *diligently searches*

**FANDOM**: We know damn well it's not here, so can't you guys just try Summoning it?

**HERMIONE**: Guys! Wait! We can just try Summoning it.

**ACCIO**: *nothing*

**RON**: So the locket's not here?

**HERMIONE**: No, we have to keep searching anyway, in case it was merely unSummonable.

**RON**: GRR.

**FANDOM**: What he said.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Wait… I'm remembering Book 5…

**FANDOM**: ABOUT TIME.

**HERMIONE**: We saw a locket…

**FANDOM**: And you threw it out…

**HERMIONE**: And we threw it out…

**HARRY**: ALL RIGHT, KREACHER, IT'S "THIRD PERSON" TIME!

**FANDOM**: House-elves… *groan*

* * *

**KREACHER**: Kreacher is still ugly and filthy, thanks for asking. And Kreacher still HATES WEASLEYS AND MUDBLOODS.

**HARRY**: Well, I… order you not to do that.

**KREACHER**: AND KREACHER HATES YOU, HATED MASTER.

**HARRY**: Glad we're clear.

* * *

**HARRY**: So, innocent question, where's the locket?

**KREACHER**: *time to do a Dobby!*

**HARRY**: No, Kreacher! No self-abuse antics! I want to talk to you first, _then_ you can beam yourself. I'll help.

* * *

**MUNDUNGUS**: *stole the Horcrux over Kreacher's protests, which is why, boys and girls, you shouldn't rely on house-bound house-elves to be your guard dog*

**KREACHER**: Kreacher now will take bad Master and blood-traitor and the M-word on another holiday to the Fifth Dimension of Backstory.

**HARRY**: That's what we paid for.

**KREACHER**: So once upon a time, in a place awfully damn close to here, there were two sons of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, one prodigal and one dutiful—

**HARRY**: We KNOW.

**KREACHER**: Kreacher is _getting_ there. *sob*

* * *

**KREACHER**: So Voldemort, with his equal-opportunity ways, asked for a house-elf, and took me to *sob* the place Dumbledore took Master Harry in HBP…

**HARRY**: Yes, the parallelism isn't lost on me either…

* * *

**KREACHER**: So the Dark Lord used Kreacher to do his evil bidding and totally kicked the dog afterwards, but this fantasy series will now answer the question of what would happen if the kicked dog _got away_ after the dramatic movie shot of the Dark Lord billowing away and leaving some pathetic freak underling to die…

**KREACHER**: And basically what happens is that Dark Lords get really, really screwed.

**READERS**: *munching popcorn* Cool.

* * *

**KREACHER ESCAPES**: *because Regulus told him to*

**REGULUS WAS FAR TOO MUCH OF A STAND-UP BLOKE**: *to have Kreacher drink the potion instead of him when he went to destroy the locket*

**HARRY**: Look at his heroic, if not-so-innocent, heart! He looks like my Sirikins, too. I thinks I likes him.

**READERS**: That was somewhat of an unnecessary sacrifice. Why not order this magically kick-arse Kreacher to Apparate him out after drinking the potion?

**HARRY**: Unnecessary sacrifice, you say? Yes, I have _so_ bonded with this dead character.

* * *

**KREACHER'S TALE, ACCORDING TO HERMIONE**: drives home the point that house-elves' magical enslavement is _horrid_.

Kreacher had to obey Regulus's injunction to silence even when Mrs Black, head of household, demanded explanations. Apparently, house-elves must obey the orders of _everyone_ in their households. This gives us a pretty good idea of parlour games among the rich and sadistic type of Dark wizarding families that seem to populate this 'verse:

**HYPOTHETICAL MASTER**: Jobey, do whatever Mistress tells you!

**HYPOTHETICAL MISTRESS**: Jobey, whatever Master tells you, mind you don't do it!

**HYPOTHETICAL JOBEY THE HOUSE-ELF**: *ungrammatical wailing and frenetic self-abuse*

**HYPOTHETICAL KIDS**: Go for your head, Jobey! The head! *crunch* Yeah!

**HYPOTHETICAL HOUSEHOLD**: Ah, it's good to spend quality time exploring the limits of logic with the family.

* * *

**HARRY**: Kreacher, I just don't understand you and your dishonorable ways.

**HERMIONE**: *eyetear of girly compassion* Harry, don't you get it? He's a brainwashed slave. He doesn't understand honor, he just responds to kindness. Like he _didn't_ get from Voldemort _or_ Sirius. Hint, _hint_.

**HARRY**: *rubbing his head from where the hint hit him* Okay, okay, I get it.

* * *

**HARRY**: *painfully kind* Er, Kreacher, darling… darling murderer-of-my-Sirikins… could I ask you… if asking means ordering… to go play guard dog with Mundungus Fletcher?

**KREACHER**: KREACHER WANTS TO CHASE MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER INDEED. AND BASH HIS TOBACCOEY BRAINS IN.

**HARRY**: Phew, this "kindness" thing isn't too bad (you get to rough up just as many people!) Okay, well, I want you to have this memorial to Master Regulus too—

**KREACHER**: Master Harry is too kind! *SOB*

**HARRY**: Aw shucks—

**RON**: No, Master Harry _is_ too kind, now we're going to have to put up with that horrible screechy sobbing for another half-an-hour.

**HARRY**: Whoops.

**RON**: Sheesh, nice job setting it off, hero.


	11. Harry and the Terrible, Horrible, No Goo

_Thanks for feedback all. May I present Chapter Eleven... _

_... I just knew the verb "Cruciate" would come in handy, I just knew it._

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: Harry and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day**

**SUBTITLED: Seriously, Are We Ever Going To Give the R/H Cuteness a Rest In This Book?**

* * *

**RON**: So these two Death Eaters have been standing outside Grimmauld for twenty-four hours. Evil's a real glamorous life, innit?

**DUMBLEDORE'S CRYPTIC GIFTS TO RON AND HERMIONE**: Turn out to be, among their other unknown qualities, ideal for maximizing the antagonism between the two.

**RON**: La la la I'm playing with Dumbledore's device to turn the lights off while my not-girlfriend reads Dumbledore's book why did you say something?

**HARRY**: *wearily, to the ceiling* C'mon, old man, did you really think you had to _manipulate_ the two of them into sniping at each other until the inevitable resolution? This was one point where you could have let nature run its course!

* * *

**ENCORE**: *of old Dusty*

**OLD DUSTY**: *is apparently banished just by claiming that you're not Dumbledore's killer. I hope it can detect people who can someone commit murder _and_ lie about it*

* * *

**SHADOWY HOODED FIGURE IN THE DUST STORM**: Don't start hexing; I'm so totally Lupin.

**RON AND HERMIONE**: *lower wands* Oh okay.

**HARRY**: Prove it!

**LUPIN OR IMPOSTOR**: *says the exact same thing as before, only this time with full name and longer sentences*

**HARRY**: *lowers wand* Oh okay. I'm convinced.

**LUPIN**: Good job with the vigilance, you brilliant child, you.

**FANDOM**: ... _John_?

**ROWLING**: *glares, daring us, just _daring _us*

**FANDOM**: Fine, fine.

* * *

**READERSHIP**: Why are you still calling him "Severus," wolfman?

**LUPIN**: I admit, I have a problem.

**READERSHIP**: Just the one?

* * *

**LUPIN**: Death Eaters are staking out everywhere that's got any connection with you, Harry. And presumably I visited all these places too, which is how I know.

**HARRY**: I'd love to ask for a run-down of all these non-Muggle places besides here and Hogwarts that I've apparently got a connection too, but I suspect you're bearing food, which is more important to me right now.

**LUPIN**: Well, no food, but alcohol.

**HARRY**: Give me that stuff, you have no idea how horrible being locked up with their flirting is.

* * *

**HARRY**: Yeah, so. We came here after we ran into a couple of Death Eaters in a café on Tottenham Court Road.

**LUPIN**: *spills the butterbeer* _Context for that statement please?_

**HARRY**: It's not as dramatic as it… oh, hell, actually, it was dramatic as it sounds. Best chapter nine in the whole series. *beam*

* * *

**LUPIN**: *treading into Foreshadowing Territory* It's impossible to track anyone who Apparates, unless you grab hold of them as they disappear. Bear that one in mind, by the way.

**HERMIONE**: *startles* Oh, sorry. I was too busy taking in Ron's luscious red locks. Did you say something?

* * *

**DEAD!SCRIMGEOUR**: I get to die heroically offscreen. Yay.

**DEAD!MAD-EYE**: Hey, don't whinge about it! All the best people are dying heroically offscreen these days.

* * *

**RON**: Dude, _how is my freaking family_? _They _better not be dying heroically offscreen! I mean, we're main characters, most of us!

**LUPIN**: Well, Death Eater/Ministry thugs held us for hours and gave Bill and Fleur a lousy wedding night of it…

**RON**: And what about my masterful "spattergroit ghoul" trick?

**LUPIN**: It seems this lot had enough Dark-Arts-induced-brain-damage to buy it. Simultaneously, other thugs were burning down Diggle's house—

**HARRY**: *excitedly* With Uncle Vernon in it?

**LUPIN**: —no, sorry, Harry, he wasn't hiding the Dursleys there—and they also Cruciated my parents-in-law, which I'm apparently pretty copacetic with, because, seriously, what husband hasn't wanted to do that?

* * *

**LUPIN**: Erm, so I know this is going to be a hard blow, but the _Prophet_ is making libelous claims about you... again... this time reporting that you and not the Sole Object of Your Eternal Ire killed your beloved mentor-figure. Sorry.

**HARRY**: Surprise surprise. You know, if this was four years ago, I might be mildly upset.

**HERMIONE**: *pursuing the newspaper* In another shocker, it looks like its notorious secrecy makes the Department of Mysteries easily exploitable for the wrong ends. Like none of the readers have seen _that_ coming.

* * *

**TRIO-PLUS-LUPIN**: So let's talk national politics.

**READERSHIP**: Civil war and mass murder is evidently a pretty good way to engage the apathetic youth vote, eh?

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: *should probably not be joking about things like that*

* * *

**RON**: Muggle-borns stealing magic the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I'm _me_. If that were possible, why would there be Squibs?

**LUPIN**: You know by now logic hurts the ickle villains' brains, Ron.

**HARRY**: *wisely* Dark-Arts-induced brain damage.

**HERMIONE**: *pouts because she didn't get to explain it first*

* * *

**RON**: Well, that's it! If Muggle-borns are being rounded up, we'll just have to make Hermione a part of the family!

**HERMIONE**: *goes very pink*

**RON**: ... by pretending she's a cousin, of course.

**HARRY**: You _do_ realize that we're in the Noble and Most Inbred House of Black right now? Not that great a save, mate.

* * *

**LUPIN**: Ah, right, before we forget, my hair is still "greying."

**READERSHIP**: Got it.

* * *

**LUPIN**: So, Harry, I've been thinking. How about I come with you three on this camping-around-Britain mission? It would be totally not pervy, coz that's Greyback's shtick and not mine. And my teacherly magical knowledge could pretty useful to you three dropouts and it would be really fun, just like a bad fanfic! What do you say?

**HARRY**: Well, I have no idea how we could keep the mission a secret from you in this scenario, but I _do_ like bad fanfic!

**HARRY**: … (they're the only times I get to be happy and/or badass.)

**HERMIONE**: Wait, hold up. Anecdotal studies prove that people who think up bad fanfic do so because they are distracting themselves from _serious relationship problems_. Anything you want to talk to us about, _Professor_?

**LUPIN**: _No_.

* * *

**LUPIN**: Tonks is going to have a baby. Just Tonks. Totally not me. I have no idea how I could possibly be tied to this. Blame it on non-existent Wizarding sex education.

**HERMIONE**: A baby? Oh, how wonderful!

**RON**: Excellent!

**HARRY**: Congratulations.

**LUPIN**: Yeah, yeah. Just kill me now, please?

**TRIO**: ...

* * *

**HARRY**: You want to, ahem, abandon your pregnant wife, not to put too fine a point on it. I have to say, that's out of character even by the standards of this book.

**LUPIN**: *tries to placate and persuade Harry with the dead-parent card*

**HARRY**: Look, I'm not thirteen anymore.

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: In an abrupt change of literary mood, Lupin sprang to his feet: His chair toppled over backward, and he glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw the shadow of the wolf upon his human face for the first time ever.

**NARRATIVE**: ... and the last.

**NARRATIVE**: *whispers* But you didn't hear it from me!

* * *

**LUPIN**: *regrets, morbidity, hypertension, displaced rage, and possibly some inherited Mad-Eye-esque paranoia*

**HARRY**: Wow, Remus. You never used to be neurotic.

**LUPIN**: True that. Maybe it started whenever-it-was you lot started calling me Remus.

**READERSHIP**: Yeah... when _was_ that? The fanficcers want to know.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *aside* God, it seems like I'm doomed to tear up yet again as I see the psychologically twisted results of Wizarding prejudice.

**RON**: *aside* Well, you're the chick, it has to be you. Harry can be emo, sure, but right now I think he's busy doing his "temper" thing.

**RON AND HERMIONE**: *duck*

* * *

**HARRY**: My orphanic angst gives me the moral authority to say this is a _suck-ass idea_.

**LUPIN**: Well I will _bury_ you under a landslide of lycanthropic angst.

**HARRY THE UNCONQUERABLE ANGSTER**: Oh, so this is how it is, huh? Well, I think you're channelling Sirius here. (And yeah, that's right, I managed to drag Siriusangst into this!)

**LUPIN**: What, now I'm incapable of thinking up stupid things under my own steam? Well—_good-bye_.

**LUPIN**: ... And as a parting gift, Harry, here's how that duelling bit is _done_.

**NEXT THING ANYONE KNOWS**: BANG!

**THE BOY WHO LIVED TO BE THROWN TO THE FLOOR OF THE WALL**: Yeah, that was a bit embarrassing…

**HERMIONE**: *calling after the drive-by dueller* Remus! Remus! Seriously, you could have helped this mission a lot more if you had skipped the kappas and taught us _that_ four years ago…

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Harry! How could you?

**HARRY**: It was easy.

**RON**: That explains why we're going to have to patch you up with murtlap.

**HARRY**: Don't look at me like that!

**RON**: Don't you start on her!

**HERMIONE**: No—no—we mustn't fight!

**RON**: No fighting, right. Bickering still fair game though?

**HERMIONE**: *misty-eyed* Well, naturally.

* * *

**HARRY**: *feeling lump on his head* Wow, first the Flight of the Prince and now this. Things never seem to go well for me when I go about calling grown men cowards, do they?

**RON**: Too right, mate.

**HARRY**: Oh, go bicker-slash-flirt with Hermione. Am still full of heroic rage and _so_ not in the mood.

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: Neither Ron nor Hermione spoke, but Harry felt sure that they were looking at each other behind his back, communicating silently.

**NARRATIVE**: ... communicating silently by _looks_. Nothing else. Nada!

* * *

**HARRY**: *somehow starts feeling guilty about being completely right, if rather harsh, in his and Lupin's encounter, despite the fact that it's his head still throbbing from Lupin's magical sucker-punch*

**HARRY**: Reading Rita Skeeter could not possibly make me feel worse!

**SKEETER ARTICLE**: Wanna bet?

* * *

**DUMBLEDORE FAMILY PHOTO**: We are _so_ Victorian.

**RON**: I swear those are the dress robes I had in GoF.

**BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT**: Kendra Dumbledore is, or is not, Native American? Who knows? Why'd we bring it up anyway?

* * *

**SKEETER ARTICLE**: We don't know, but, anyhow, Kendra was a total bitch, which somehow casts serious aspersions on Dumbledore's wise-old-sage qualifications.

**THE QUOTABLE BATHILDA BAGSHOT**: I make homemade Cauldron Cakes! Screw copyright. Also, it seems Ariana's only air and exercise was a single walk around the garden during nights when I was gathering magic plants.

**SKEETER**: Ominous, no?

**HARRY**: I'm forced to agree… All of my mentor figures are failing me. Again. *incipient rage*

**CRACK**: Kreacher has brought thief back for Master Harry to vent on!

**HARRY**: _Just what I needed_.

* * *

**MUNDUNGUS**: My hair is still "matted."

**READERSHIP**: Good, good.

* * *

**MUNDUNGUS**: *cowering* Sheesh, you bail on one bleedin' little saving-the-world mission and cause the death of Britain's greatest Auror and all the sudden people are so _testy_ with ya—

**HARRY AND DOPPELGANGER DOBBY**: *identical leers*

**MUNDUNGUS**: Eep. *whimpering fetal position*

* * *

**KREACHER**: Can't Kreacher _please_ hit Fletcherses over the head again with his Acme frying pan?

**RON**: You know, against all odds, I'm really liking the elf.

**HARRY**: Yeah, he's pretty pimpin', innit 'e?

* * *

**MUNDUNGUS**: Wait now, that locket is 'orribly cursed? Well, blimey, 'ow was I s'posed to guess that just coz I took it from an 'aunted 'ouse chock-full of Dark Arts? That's for the free market to work out.

* * *

**RON**: *shows a suspiciously shrewd understanding of a criminal psyche*

**MUNDUNGUS**: Okay, okay, I took the locket! 'ad no bloody idea it was a trinket of purest evil.

**HARRY**: All right! This day is finally about to get better. Hand it over!

**MUNDUNGUS**: I sold it, awright? I sold it!

**HARRY**: Oh. Well, temporary setback, particularly when we have a trigger-happy house-elf at our disposal. Describe your client.

**MUNDUNGUS**: Eh, she looked like the incarnation of warped feminine evil, that ring any bells?

**HARRY**: *with dawning despair* _Oh hell no_.

**RON**: And here we were so anxious that we would bring this series to a close without running into Umbitch again.

**HARRY**: I hate today.


	12. The WellThought Out, CarefullyResearch

_Very sorry for the long delay. I've just finished a grueling orientation that went on for two full weeks - WITHOUT INTERNET CONNECTION. (How do they expect people to live like that?)_

_I'm afraid this will suffer one more delay, since I've exhausted my cushion chapters, am working full-time, and have perhaps rashly signed up for a Lupin/Tonks challenge that's due end of this month. My prompts, by the way, are diadem and Howler._Diadem_, indeed_. _If anyone has even the faintest idea what to do with those, do send me a message. I'll give due credit._

_

* * *

_

**CHAPTER TWELVE: The Well-Thought Out, Carefully-Researched, Foolproof Infiltration Plan**

**

* * *

**

**NARRATIVE**: Harry and his two bestest friends have spent the month holed up in the house of Dark Wizards, dodging the Death Eaters posted watch outside, greeted at the door by the dusty shade of my murdered mentor, passing the decapitated house-elf heads on the wall, kicking back with thousand-Galleon prices on their heads…

**HARRY**: … domestic bliss. *contented sigh*

* * *

**HARRY'S WAY OF GREETING THE FAMILY AS HE BRINGS HOME THE BACON**: I've got news, and you won't like it.

**RON**: Years down the road, Ginny will get you whipped into shape.

**NEWLY-RE-BRAINWASHED!KREACHER**: Apocalypse can wait. Master Harry is now washing up before his lovingly-made home-cooked dinner.

**HARRY**: Oh, Kreacher. *watery-eyed* I've never really had multiple replacement _mother_ figures before…

* * *

**THE DAILY PROPHET**: Snape's headmaster. Cue totally new levels of dramatic irony when rereading the relevant moments in CoS and PoA!

**HERMIONE**: Er, Harry… sweetie? How are you doing?

**HARRY**: Eh, it's a dark world out there these days. At least I've got the domestic bliss I've always craved.

**HERMIONE**: *spluttering* This—this is an outrage! A _travesty_! Snape's the reason the twins are no longer identical! He's an _ear-severer_! And now he's Dumbledore's successor! It really cannot be tolerated.

**RON**: … er?

**HERMIONE**: Well, Harry's gotten me used to a certain amount of blithering rage whenever the Sole Object of His Eternal Ire comes up, and I just… *blush* it doesn't seem right to let the moment go by.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: Merlin's _pants_.

**RON**: *delighted* Hermione, I've been a bad influence on you!

* * *

**RON**: I clearly haven't read the last book. Who are the Carrows?

**HARRY**: Death Eater types. We've met.

**RON**: Harry, you're so cool these days. How do you know all this stuff? I can still remember you as the ickle first-year who needed me to explain what Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans were.

* * *

**HARRY**: Well, Ron, while you're busy with your nostalgia, I'll just take comfort in the fact that "at least we know exactly where Snape is now." Which is good, coz the plan is, the second I get this bothersome killing-the-Dark-Lord business out of the way, I'm gonna go after some ex-Potions Master something _gruesome_.

**SNAPE FANGIRLS**: Ha. You can try, Potter. Nameless, faceless Death Eater mooks almost rumbled you at your own doorstep two pages ago.

**RON**: Yeah, that happens to me every time. *stretches and relaxes*

**SNAPE FANGIRLS**: … if we're lucky that sort of nonchalance will get you offed.

**OTHER FANS**: God, you lot are haters.

**SNAPE FANGIRLS**: That is rather the point.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *overreaction*

**RON**: *defensive*

**HERMIONE**: *high-pitched*

**RON**: _Sheesh_—

**HARRY**: All right, all right, I can't take all this flirting and cuteness during my lonely singlehood! I'm now declaring an immediate implementation of our desperate, daring, and dangerously under-researched plan to infiltrate the Ministry and steal Dolores Umbridge's bit of Voldemort's soul.

**RON**: … way to kill the mood, mate.

**HERMIONE**: B…B—But our so-called plan is desperate, daring, and dangerously under-researched!

**HARRY**: _That's the beauty of it_.

* * *

**RON**: All right, but I'm gonna get my chivalry on now, because Hermione is under the most danger. You can tell coz her name's in the _Prophet_.

**HERMIONE**: Frightening a precedent as this seems to be, _you're_ in at least as much danger, Mr. Spattergroit Ghoul—

**HARRY**: Look, I'm Chosen One. I win.

**SUDDEN ONSET OF PSYCHOTIC MIND-MELD WITH DARK LORD**: *proves his point*

* * *

And this mind-meld is particularly traumatic because _people are speaking in German_. There's that silly little capital-B-in-cursive and everything! _Bleagh_.

* * *

**HARRY**: Saw Voldemort killing some motherly Teutonic broad. God, I miss the Diggory beefcake during my spells of helpless homicide witness.

**RON**: So what's all this about?

**HARRY**: God knows, maybe. Certainly Rowling's editors don't. But wands. Wands are important.

**RON**: *starts to open mouth*

**HERMIONE**: Shut it, Ronald.

**RON**: Look, I understand now that it's not all about wandwork! I'm maturing you see.

**HARRY**: _And_ Ollivander doesn't understand the current plotpoint about my wand doing magic of its own accord any more than the rest of us.

**HERMIONE**: If it's magic that's too arcane for Ollivander, then the accessibility of this book's plot is in serious danger indeed.

* * *

Harry shines his wandlight on the old school photograph of the Marauders and stares at it as he falls asleep.

Yeah… I swear, it's like Rowling was deliberately setting out to make this history's most disturbing cap to a bestselling adolescent fantasy series. Unfortunately for her, _Breaking Dawn_ came out a year later. You can't blame the woman for underestimating the standard bar, to be sure.

**HARRY**: Hey! It's not like I was _thinking_ of the Marauders instead of my life-endangering hijinks tomorrow.

**READERSHIP**: Oh? That's something then.

**HARRY**: No, I fell asleep thinking of Gregorovitch, wandmaker of my dreams.

**READERSHIP**: … *headdesk*

* * *

**TOMORROW**: *quite predictably comes*

**RON**: Blimey, Harry, didn't you even try to rest up for our desperate, daring, and dange—

**HARRY**: That bit wasn't that funny to begin with, and it's just annoying now.

**HERMIONE**: All right, men! I'm in exam-taking mode. Ready with the disguises. And the alliterated Weasley Wizard Wheeze products, fun for the whole future-family.

**GRED AND FORGE**: *voice-over* Saving the world, one Skiving Snackbox at a time.

* * *

**KREACHER**: Master and Blood-Traitor and Muggle-Born Scum is having a good day defying the Ministry now! And is staying safe! And is getting home in time for dinner!

**RON**: *and this is a direct quote, mind you* Bless him. And when you think I used to fantasize about cutting off his head and sticking it on the wall.

**READERS OF TENDER DELICACIES**: *disturbed*

**IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG READERS**: We sure do enjoy all the age-inappropriateness.

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *Stuns Ministry witch from behind Invisibility Cloak*

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: *never understands how you can do that, are you sending spells _through_ the cloak without damaging it?*

**RON**: *looks for their victim's ID* She's that annoying underage-magic Nazi from Books 2 and 5.

**HARRY**: Nope, don't remember her.

**HERMIONE**: Ron, considering what's going to go down next chapter-and-a-half, I wouldn't be making casual Nazi jokes.

* * *

**THE TRIO'S NEXT VICTIM**: Apparently I hate being a maintenance drone.

**MAFALDA!HERMIONE**: You know what's good for that? Sweets! Like lots of sweets! I have sweets! Here! Take one! _Take one now, goddammit!_

**MR MAGICAL MAINTENANCE**: *very frightened* … Er, thank you? *and then vomits his guts out on the alley*

**MAFALDA!HERMIONE**: Oh dear. I guess you'll just have to call off.

**MR MAGICAL MAINTENANCE**: _Are you insane, woman? The fiery forces of a thousand infernos could not keep me from going to work today._

**MAFALDA!HERMIONE**: … damn, clearly we picked the wrong victim.

* * *

**MAFALDA!HERMIONE**: All right, Ron, here's the hair for your potion! It took him physically puking his guts onto the alley and a lot of magical violence, but I finally got Magical Maintenance guy to play hooky today!

**RON**: *blanches* Er, can I draw another character for this charade? I'm not sure I can get into this one's motivation.

* * *

**CATTERMOLE!RON**: *slowly craning his neck up to Harry's new face* Dude, Harry, you've got… _height_…

**RUNCORN!HARRY**: This is flipping awesome. I _knew _this plan was a good idea.

**MINISTRY DRONES**: Oh, it's another lovely morning literally flushing ourselves down a toilet!

**RUNCORN!HARRY**: … you say what now?

* * *

**MAFALDA!HERMIONE, ONCE THEY'VE U-BENT THEMSELVES INSIDE THE MINISTRY**: Well _that_ wasn't taking office stereotyping a little too far, I _don't_ think.

**RON**: I think it's pretty funny actually. Coz they're _toilets_, y'know? And bogs are funny?

**HERMIONE**: *shakes her head with grave moral superiority*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *pithy, bated commentary on the Ministry's latest statue on Wizarding imperialism*

**YAXLEY**: God, dealing with you Ministry drones is so much less fun than murdering people in robes and hoods!

**RON**: Oh my God, he's looking for me. Crap, he's coming straight for me!

**YAXLEY**: Cattermole! Shouldn't you be in my office, doing menial but highly specialized charmwork?

**CATTERMOLE!RON**: … effing _hell_, it's like squirming and stammering under a McGonagall glare of death.

* * *

**NAMELESS MINISTRY DRONE FROM REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES, aka BALDING ARSE-KISSER**: Gee, Runcorn, awfully sharp of you to nail Dirk Cresswell in some ominously unnamed way. Otherwise I'd have to try to get his job on my own credentials or something and wouldn't that blow. *departs whistling*

**RUNCORN!HARRY**: … apparently I'm playing a bit of a bastard.

**CATTERMOLE!RON**: *hissing* At least your character isn't a bloke whose wife is going to suffer some ominously unnamed fate if you don't pass a practical Charms exam!

**MAFALDA!HERMIONE**: Don't worry, I _will_ help you cheat on this one!

**THE TWO NEW ENTRANTS INTO THE LIFT**: Oh we don't _think_ so.

* * *

**ONE OF THE NEW ENTRANTS INTO THE LIFT**: is the demented, Imperiused Minister of Magic, orchestrator of all this racist secret-police evil, and Voldemort doppelganger.

**THE ENTRANT OUR INTREPID HEROES ARE REALLY FRIGHTENED BY**: Dolores-bloody-Umbridge.

**DOLORES-BLOODY-UMBRIDGE**: *smiles*

**DRAMATIC CHORD**: Dun-dun-dun-_dun_.


	13. The Execution of Said Foolproof Plan by

_A/N: Delay on this chapter wasn't helped by my recent move (and the last one, dammit!), my recent acquisition of a "job" (what now?), or my keen consciousness that the entire chapter could be most pithily summed up thus:_

**UMBRIDGE**: I'm still being evil. EVIL, I tell you, EVIL!

**HARRY**: Oh thank God. Someone's still acting in-character this book.

_But I had a feeling that readers might feel cheated if that's all they got, and, hey, pulling-it-out-of-our-arses escape plans are always fun to write, so I parodied this chapter properly._

_Would have happened much faster if anyone had been more helpful with my L/T challenge. ;-( But I submitted and stuff by the deadline so all was well. [Insert multiple smiley faces here!]_

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: The Execution of Said Foolproof Plan by Particularly Dedicated Gryffindor Fools**

* * *

**HERMIONE-DURING-OotP**: *was all like, 'I'm a smart teenager with _attitude_, and I will not hesitate to raise my hand and get in your _face_, Professor _Bitch_. Here's a hand, you may talk to it! *mouthclick*'

**HERMIONE-TWO-BOOKS-LATER-UPON-ENCOUNTERING-UMBRIDGE**: *pale* *squeaky* *stuttering* O-O-Of c-course, Un-Undersecretary! Whatever you s-s-s-ay!

**UMBRIDGE**: Excellent! I like having Wormtailesque lackeys when I interrogate my prisoners. Good morning, Albert, aren't you getting out?

**RUNCORN!HARRY**: Crap, the Umbitch and I are on first-name terms? I _knew_ I hated my Polyjuice character.

* * *

**SMALL TALK AT THE MINISTRY LIFTS THESE DAYS AMONG HIGHER-UPS RUNNING THE COUNTRY**: *all consists of murmuring "Mudbloods, blood traitors, Mudbloods, blood traitors, good day Albert". It's like Mrs Black dialed down to a few decibels and somehow injected with superficial manners *

* * *

**HARRY**: *scuttles under Invisibility Cloak through Level One and starts to find his innocent heroic heart, in all its recklessness, quailing before the might of the bureaucracy he sees* We'll never pull this off! This place is so… _organized_.

**READERS**: Well, you're organized, aren't you? You and Ron and, most importantly, _Hermione_ just spent the last month gathering parchment rolls full of intelligence and plans.

**HARRY**: *miserably* Please refer to narrative.

**NARRATIVE**: They had concentrated all their efforts on getting inside without being detected: They had not given a moment's thought to what they would do if they were forced to separate.

**READERS**: B—Mw—Wh—H—

**READERS' DESKS**: Psst! Down here.

**READERS**: Ah, right, thanks… *HEADDESK*

* * *

**UMBRIDGE'S BRIGADE OF MAGICAL FACTORY WORKERS**: We are the normal, average people upon whom racist dystopias are built.

**THEIR SPUNKY YOUNG SPOKESWOMAN**: Hi, readers, nice to meet you!

**READERS**: *somehow all manage to feel morally superior*

* * *

**HARRY**: All right, I'll just glance about, hoping perhaps that Umbridge has left a Horcrux hanging about her mini-printing press—

**HARRY**: And _holy *$&#^*!, I just found out what happened to Mad-Eye's body._

**MAD-EYE'S MAD EYE (FORGIVE ME)**: *has the hitherto unknown magical quality of setting off Harry's innocent heroic heart to perform acts of instinctive goodness and uncertain wisdom*

**THEN AGAIN**: What _doesn't_?

* * *

So Harry prowls around Umbridge's office. _Again_. The subtext here is getting creepy even by the standards of this series. Even by the standards of Umbridge.

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: There was a filing cabinet behind Umbridge's desk: Harry set to searching it. Like Filch's filing cabinets—

**NARRATIVE**: *pause*

**NARRATIVE**: *clears throat* Like Filch's filing cabinets at Hogwarts—

**NARRATIVE**: *pause*

**READERSHIP**: … Yes?

**NARRATIVE**: Just leaving the field open for Umbridge/Filch shippers to squeal… I guess I have a lot to learn about this strange human phenomenon of "shipping."

**READERSHIP**: … Yeah.

* * *

**UMBRIDGE'S NOTE ON HARRY'S FILE**: _To be punished_.

**FANDOM**: *calmly* Well, the lemonficcers will be happy.

**LEMONFICCERS**: *in a frenzy of disgust* Oh ew _yuck_! We repent, we reform!

**ROWLING**: *pleasantly* My work here is done.

**FANDOM**: … hello, lady? Six Horcruxes to be found, umpteen couples left to hook up, and bunches of characters to kill off yet.

**ROWLING**: Oh yeah. *whets her literary hatchet*

* * *

**HARRY**: *finds photograph in Skeeter's book of teenaged-Dumbledore arm-in-arm with the vivacious golden-haired boy-thief that will be haunting Harry's dreams for umpteenth upcoming months of camping*

**HARRY**: Hmm, wonder if that's a _ve-e-e-e-ry_ much younger Doge?

**WHICH IS**: *the most complimentary thing said about Doge in the entire series*

**AND WOULD MAKE**: *Harry's later dreams much more disturbing, because, seriously? Elphias-in-the-Hat?*

* * *

**RON**: *seeing Runcorn!Harry* M-morning.

**HARRY**: *hissing* Ron, it's me, Harry!

**RON**: Harry! Blimely, I forgot what you looked like—

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: I love Ron, I really do, but I find the interview-canon that he will one day be among Britain's Wizarding Finest very worrisome.

* * *

**MR WEASLEY**: I'm not even _in_ Magical Maintenance, and even I know from the pumpkin-juice cooler you should use Meteolojinx Recanto.

**CATTERMOLE!RON**: Meteolojinx Recanto? Thanks, D—I mean, thanks, Arthur.

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: … Please refer to above comment.

* * *

**MR WEASLEY**: Runcorn, the rest of the Ministry might be terrified of you, but _I_ am not. You know who you should be terrified of, Runcorn? _Me_. Me and my ragtag bunch of vigilantes. _Dirk Cresswall will be avenged_.

**HARRY**: … Mr Weasley, you are suddenly awesome in this book?

**MR WEASLEY**: *modestly* Undesirable Number Ten… *light flashes dramatically off his glasses* … _b__aby_.

* * *

**THE EXTENT TO WHICH MR WEASLEY IS APPARENTLY A BAMF DURING THIS LIFT RIDE**: *is such that Harry leaves 'wish[ing] he was impersonating somebody other than Runcorn, like maybe OotP Bob, or _anybody_ who simply wouldn't incur that Muggle-lovin' wrath*

* * *

**THEN**: *Harry decides to go rescue Hermione instead of Ron, because clearly _she's_ the one in need of a little assistance, as it certainly hasn't been her that has been and will continue to be saving the boys' arses throughout the rest of this fine reading experience*

**BUT, BUT _THEN_**: *he descends to the Department of Mysteries and discovers…*

**SCARY DEMENTORS**: *dun dun da dunn!*

* * *

But these dementors that once terrified the living daylight out of this kid, despite the swarms and _swarms_ of them in this enclosed space, now pale beside the horror that lies within their centre…

**THE HORROR THAT LIES WITHIN THEIR CENTRE**: Dolores Umbridge.

**HARRY OF THE HEROIC HEART**: *throws up his hands before his face* Oh God! Spare me!

* * *

Just kidding.

* * *

**WHAT HARRY'S HEROIC HEART ACTUALLY DOES**: *sees Mary Cattermole, walking in to face the dementors and Umbridge—and immediately forgets all of this silly 'planning' nonsense in favour of impulsively walking beside her in his Hallow'd invisibility. So she won't be 'alone'*

**READERS**: Woman, remember your wretched epilogue to this series known as _Tales of Beedle the Bard_ in which you mock fictional writers for making all sensible kids want to vomit?

**ROWLING ****(AKA 'WOMAN')**: Yeah… why?

* * *

**UMBRIDGE'S PATRONUS**: *is one of those girly cats she likes. It's very pressing that some fanficcer gives us the public service of a scene where McGonagall's cat Patronus tears Umbridge's cat Patronus's throat out. Cannot imagine why this was not in the canon.*

* * *

So then we have the "trial." Apart from Umbridge and Yaxley competing for the Biggest %#$!* of the Year Award (no easy feat when Runcorn is also in the running), the "interrogation" goes like this:

**UMBRIDGE**: Your name is Mary Elizabeth Cattermole. Very suspicious!

**MRS CATTERMOLE**: B—

**UMBRIDGE**: And you're married to one of our janitors. Tsk, tsk, it's not looking very good for you.

**MRS CATTERMOLE**: I—

**UMBRIDGE**: And you have children!

**MRS CATTERMOLE**: *desperate outburst* If the rest of that is evidence against me, can't I advance this as equally illogical evidence in my _favour_?

**YAXLEY**: *grudgingly* Well, we'll count it as neutral. But talking out of turn! We may as well throw away the key now!

**UMBRIDGE**: _And you have a wand. _Clearly you are guilty of theft, because there in no way used to be a vendor of wands on Wizarding main street that sold them indiscriminately.

**YAXLEY**: Shall we simply throw her to the dementors and have done with it?

**UMBRIDGE**: Let's give her one more chance… oh, look, her parents were greengrocers!

**YAXLEY**: *bureaucratic gasp* An honest profession! _Off with her head_!

* * *

**IN THE MEANTIME**: *Harry tries to alert Hermione to his invisible presence.

**HERMIONE**: *is almost as smooth as Ron. also lowers herself to _complimenting Dolores Umbridge's jewelry_. even if it's a wartime necessity, you never really recover from such degradation*

**WHICH I THINK IS THE _REAL_ REASON WHY**: *Harry completely loses it and decides this is a good moment to break cover and Stun Umbridge*

**TO BE COMPLETELY FAIR**: *it is deeply satisfying*

* * *

**THE NEXT FEW MINUTES**: are full of Stupefying, Mrs Cattermole's bewilderment, and angry dementors.

**IN OTHER WORDS**: Awesome!

* * *

**HERMIONE**: *has trouble with her Patronus*

**BUT!**: Don't forget that she can wipe memories and possibly cast _Avada Kedavra_.

**AND!**: Can Disapparate properly, almost. You'll see why this is so important very shortly.

* * *

**REG "RON WEASLEY" CATTERMOLE**: *arrives*

**MRS CATTERMOLE, MISTRESS OF PRIORITIZING**: Reg! Runcorn has gone off his nut, attacking Umbridge and Yaxley, busting me out, he's told all of us to leave the country, I think we'd better do it, let's hurry home and fetch our three little bundles of heartstring-tugging and—Reg! Why are you so wet? How perplexing!

**MIZ PARODY LADY**: *is not making this up, Mrs Cattermole really did interrupt her plans to rescue herself and her family to ask that*

**CATTERMOLE!RON**: *managing to reclaim his personal space* Oh my God all the sudden I'm married and this may be a contributing factor to my later breakdown because _bloody hell_ it's like she's looking for me to be a rock of support or a provider or frickin' _Hermione_ just cannot take this.

* * *

**ESCAPE SEQUENCE**: *features the classic wait-for-an-elevator scene. some dreadful Wizarding equivalent to _The Girl from Ipanema_ is probably playing*

**THEY ARRIVE AT THE ATRIUM TO FIND**: *that the Ministry is on high alert, sealing off the exits just in case a bunch of Muggle-borns and suspicious rogue employees try to make a break for it*

**HERMIONE—WHO, AFTER ALL, IS _BOTH_**: Harry! What are we going to—?

**RUNCORN!HARRY**: Shut up, Hermione, this is the part where I act like a total arse and it's legitimately for _the greater good_! ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, I AM NOW BOSSING YOU AROUND. LOOK SHARP!

* * *

It would have worked pretty well, too, if the real Reg Cattermole hadn't shown up. Mrs Cattermole looks from one identical husband to another. It's a tribute to how desperately underdeveloped the Cattermoles are that I have yet to catch wind of a lemony fic inspired by this moment.

**RUNCORN'S BALDING ARSE-KISSER FROM REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES**: *looks back and forth, starting to get a wee bit suspicious. apparently doesn't have as much Dark-Arts-induced-brain-damage as real Death Eaters.*

**HARRY**: How should I assuage these suspicions? I know, I'll punch out balding arse-kisser!

**READERS**: Harry Potter!

**HARRY**: Okay, not helpful, but it feels so good!

**YAXLEY**: Wait, should _I_ be suspicious?

**HARRY**: Yes, Yaxley—of _him_! It's the arse-kisser who's been helping Muggle-borns escape! And you know I'm _totally_ Albert Runcorn, because a purist bastard like me is so likely to say "Muggle-born" instead of "Mudblood," and to resort to "Muggle dueling!"

**YAXLEY**: *very nearly swallows this, too. I _told_ you this book was like a cartoon*

* * *

**MEANWHILE**: *there is a touching scene*

**MRS CATTERMOLE**: *clinging to Ron* Reg, I don't understand—don't leave me—*uxorial vicegrip*

**RON'S TEMPER DURING THIS LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION**: *is probably not improved by the keen awareness that Fred and George would mickey the _hell_ out of him and Mrs Cattermole*

* * *

**READERS**: Wow, Miz Author Lady! How are we going to end this exciting and highly confusing action scene?

**ROWLING**: Oh, I thought Harry would just Disapparate Ron and Hermione out.

**READERS**: Ah, so it's not going to be a clean getaway, now is it?

**ROWLING**: Why of all the… er, yeah, you'd be right.

**THE TRIO**: *separation, suffocation, screams, spells, and blackout*

**READERS**: Huh boy.

**THE BOY WHO LIVED**: *tinny voice-over in the dark* Man, I _suck_ at Apparation.


	14. The Camping Trip of Hell and Hormones M

_A/N: This is going to be a bit of a letdown after such a long wait, I'm sure, but I just can't help it. Either I'm losing my touch or this chapter is just unmockable. I suspect the latter. It's not even a bad chapter; it's just tedious as hell. The last time I was so catatonically bored, I was watching an American remake of a British television show. _

_On the bright side, I finally figured out a way to do the epilogue. YOU GUYS. It's going to be **epic**. _

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Harry Potter and the Commencement of the Camping Trip of Hell and Hormones. (Mainly Hormones.)**

* * *

**HARRY**: *awakes on his back, flattened and dizzy, with no idea of where he was or what happened*

**THIS SEEMS TO**: *happen a lot in this series, no?*

* * *

**HARRY**: Yay, we're in the Forbidden Forest!

**ROWLING**: No, kid. I have _no intention_ of making the chapter _half_ as interesting as _that_.

**HARRY**: Aww… do you at least have any attractive older men for me to brood over?

**ROWLING**: I'll work on it.

* * *

Meanwhile, we have the Great Hero Debate:

**HERMIONE**: Harry, I'm so sorry, this disaster is all my fault.

**HARRY**: Girl, like don't even mess with my territory. The fault, it is all mine.

**HERMIONE**: It's because of me that Yaxley's been let in on the Fidelius Charm—

**HARRY**: What exactly could you have done to prevent that?

**HERMIONE**: —and now we can't use Grimmauld Place as a hideout—

**HARRY**: Still totally not your fault, honorary sister of mine.

**HERMIONE**: I didn't even pack _food_.

**HARRY**: That does suck. But, er *takes out Mad-Eye's eyes* they probably, uh, knew there was an intruder in the Ministry because I kinda took this from the Umbitch's door.

**HERMIONE**: … Yeah, you know what. This _is_ completely your fault. Dumbass.

**SHE**: *walks away to go cast the copious protection spells that neither of the boys could possibly memorize, let alone perform*

**HARRY**: Whoa, 'Mione! Completely off-script!

* * *

**HERMIONE**: _Salvio Hexia… Repello Muggletum… __Barkinus bowwowsus… Butcherium Latina…_

**ROWLING'S EDITOR**: *clearly isn't even trying anymore*

* * *

I just have to call a time-out to say that Our Intrepid Trio is now facing the Darkest Wizard, Like, Ever, without their enslaved immune-to-wizardry magical arsenal. This move makes sense on Rowling's part, because a _Deathly Hallows_ with Kreacher to hand would go pretty much like: "POW. KA-BAM. SHATTER. ZOOP. AVADA-FREAKIN'-KEDAVRA, YOU NOSELESS BASTARD."

**THIS STILL LEAVES THE QUESTION**: *of why Kreacher wasn't more integral to retrieving the locket-Horcrux from the Ministry in the first place*

Accio Charm, meet Kreacher. Kreacher, meet Accio Charm. Feel free to start a club, or a support group, or something.

* * *

**HARRY**: So how'd we get Perkins's tent?

**HERMIONE**: Mr. Weasley let me have it while I was collecting stuff for our heroic runaway.

**HARRY**: _That_ must have been an interesting conversation.

**HERMIONE**: Yeah. Not too bad, though, as he was too distracted by trying to help Ron with his spattergoit ghoul.

**HARRY**: Why hasn't your mum divorced your dad yet, Ron?

**RON**: That bonding marriage magic is _really_ strong stuff. She'd have to, I dunno, AK that bitch, and you know how unlikely it is that my mum will do _that_.

* * *

Meanwhile, woe, for Ron is injured, very injured, despite getting dittanized by Hermione. Therefore we must cut him lots of slack:

**HARRY**: Let's get the _hail_ out of here, Death Eaters tormented Muggles in this very forest three years ago.

**RON**: Negative. Can't be moved.

**HERMIONE**: Dinner! I've resourcefully cooked some mushrooms for us.

**RON**: Wow, woman. These suck.

**HARRY**: *tries to exchange a look with Hermione*

**HERMIONE**: *is still too soppy-lovestruck*

**HARRY**: *coughs* Anyway, what shall we do about Vol—

**RON**: I AM NOW THROWING A TIZZY FIT. WE ARE NOT GOING TO SAY THE NAME.

**HARRY**: In God's name, er, in Dumbledore's name, _why_?

**RON**: In case you hadn't noticed, mate, calling You-Know-Who by his name didn't do Dumbledore much good in the end. Just—just show You-Know-Who some respect?

**HARRY**: Uh-_huh_ … Yeah, you may run off and abandon us whenever you want, mate.

**RON**: Need rest and recuperation first. Someone change my bandages.

* * *

**HARRY**: *reflects on Kreacher, the fact that he might be undergoing torture then and then. further resolves to put it out of his mind because there's nothing they can do. it's a sign of how mature he's getting these days. Or how tired.*

* * *

**RON**: I am full of concern for the family whose lives we have spent all morning ruining. Blimey, I hope they escaped and didn't wind up in Azkaban because of us.

**HERMIONE**: Oh, Ron. Your compassion is so hot.

**HARRY**: What's that now?

**HERMIONE**: Er—warm. It's a _warm_ compassion. Sorry, long day.

**RON**: Not so sure they did escape, though. I didn't get the feeling Reg Cattermole was all that quick-witted, the way everyone was talking to me when I was him.

**READERS**: Yeah, Ron. That had nothing to do with how clueless you were about the Ministry, basic maintenance spells, and your own name. It was all Cattermole.

* * *

**HARRY**: HELLO HERMIONE I AM HERE YOU TWO WILL HAVE TO GO GET A TENT. So, let's pull out the locket-Horcrux.

**RON "CATTERMOLE" WEASLEY**: _We have the locket-Horcrux_? Blimey, no one tells me anything!

**HERMIONE**: Sorry, Reg, we were on our lives from Death Eaters. Don't you think I would have stopped to tell you _and_ make out with you if I could?

**HARRY**: Point.

* * *

**THE NEAREST BIT OF VOLDEMORT'S SOUL TO HAND**: *is as large as a chicken's egg*

**TWO PAGES LATER**: *Harry 'tucks it under his robes,' where it rests 'out of sight'*

**Q.E.D.**: *Wizarding robes are the baggiest, least sexy clothing known to humankind*

* * *

**NARRATIVE**: "Harry's insides, already uncomfortable due to their inadequate helping of rubbery mushrooms, tingled with unease."

**NARRATIVE**: … bloody hell. I can never show my face at the pub again.

**ROWLING**: *voice-over* See, Stephanie Meyer! You're not the _only_ bestselling fantasy YAL writer who can write godawful prose!

**MEYER**: *voice-over* BRING IT WOMAN.

* * *

**RON OF WHINEYNESS**: Haaaaaaaarry, why are you falling asleep? I'm trying to get _some_ action going on this chapter.

**HERMIONE**: *blush blush*

**HARRY**: Ron, I'm _trying _to make things more interesting.

**RON**: By falling asleep?

**HARRY**: By seeing into You-Know-Who's psychopathic mind!

**RON**: Oh. Carry on.

**READERS**: And hurry up. We're getting old.

* * *

**VOL—SORRY, YOU-KNOW-WHO**: Do not lie to Gregorovitch. He knows… He always knows.

**GREGOROVITCH**: Oh? So what about when Narcissa Malfoy lies to your face in a direct chain of causation to your timely death?

**YOU-KNOW-WHO**: *mutters in embarrassment* I was distracted by the pretty.

**GREGOROVITCH**: And Snape, lying to you again and again for years?

**YOU-KNOW-WHO**: … Also distracted by the pretty.

**GREGOROVITCH**: You are one messed-up—

**YOU-KNOW-WHO**: _Avada Kedavra!_

* * *

**HARRY**: *wakes up* You guys! You guys! Something has almost happened this chapter! Voldemort just offed that wandmaker Ollivander's so prissy about—

**HERMIONE**: *shuts Harry's storytime down with a brutality that Minerva McGonagall would find cold*

* * *

**HERMIONE**: OMG YOU'RE DREAMING YOU-KNOW-WHO'S THOUGHTS AGAIN?

**HARRY**: Cut me a break, Hermione. It was a dream! Can _you_ control what you dream about, Hermione?

**READERS**: Oooooooooooooo.

**R/Hr SHIPPERS**: *await expectantly*

* * *

**HARRY**: *lies awake in the darkness, trying to make sense of things with Ron, brooding over the fact that You-Know-Who does not seem to be following any linear, logical line of reasoning known to humankind*

**IN OTHER WORDS**: *nothing new going on here*

**EXCEPT**: *Harry falls asleep to mental visions of the merry-faced thief. Certain merry-faced thieves, he reflects drowsily, are in need of a hero… are clearly holding out for a hero… fresh from the fight, or at least a catfight with Ron… a hero with a saving-people-thing*


End file.
